My Weblog

Is it Over Yet?

I remember growing up and going on vacations and asking incessantly, Are we there yet?  Those of you with kids (or were a kid once) know these words well.

My battle cry this week has been, Is it over yet???  What an exhausting week both physically and emotionally.  Both of my sisters are dealing with health issues which could kill them; my dad thinks he has a blockage in his heart (leading to poor circulation in his legs); the surgical site for all of my surgeries is hurting so much this week I have been taking more pain pills than I have in the past month; the kids at work think school is finished and are behaving so badly I don't even recognize my kids.  Maybe that is a good thing.  The ones giving me the hardest time are the same ones leaving our school to go to Middle School next year.  I always dread having the kids leave, fearing if they come to say goodbye to me, I might shed some tears, but I believe this year, I might possibly cheer and send up balloons!!!

My sister, Judy, finally got her surgery scheduled.  It was to happen today at 2:30, however, the surgery taking place before hers took longer than anticipated, so hers was postponed until Monday.  I can't imagine having to postpone a surgery which could leave me crippled or dead and having all weekend to think  about what "could" happen.  I know I would be thinking these things, and since we say we are twins, I imagine she is doing the same.  It is nerve wracking.

My other sister, Cheryl, has postponed her trip to the cardiologist for her ventricular tachycardia until the end of June because she would rather risk her life going to her granddaughter's graduation, than take care of her own health. So we have a month to wonder and wait about if her heart will hold out that long and with the cabin pressure of the airplane, it could cause her to have mini strokes, which she has had numerous times in the past.

My father has great difficulty being mobile due to the fact he is 85 yrs old; had diabetes; and he has heart problems.  He has himself convinced that the reason he has pain in his legs/feet is not due to peripheral arterial disease (diabetes) but because there is a blocked artery which having a stent inserted will remedy for him. He went today for a nuclear stress test.  Now we wait for those results.

This week I have had numerous workshops teaching how to bring drama into the classroom to teach science, social studies and reading.  It would be great if I had an entire class, but it is very difficult to dole out parts from a story when you only have 5-6 kids in a class.  Those same kids have been "hell on wheels" since after our state assessment was completed.  For some reason when FCAT is completed, the kids (and a lot of teachers) believe there is no more to be taught for the year.  They take their kids to recess now (prohibited prior to FCAT), they show movies, have parties, and go to the park.  The kids have stopped completing their assignments and this week, when I had a substitute with them during the times I was in my workshop, they were rude, disrespectful and REFUSED to speak English, knowing the sub did not understand a word they said.  I do  not know Spanish well, but I know it enough to understand the gist of their conversations.  I also let them surmise that I am fluently listening to their Spanish conversations and I "call them" on much of what is being said.

Today, when I returned to class, I had 2 of my 3 classes writing letters of apology to the substitute (who happens to be the man who took my class during my 5 month leave of absence.)  They know him and like him so for them to be so outright rude and disrespectful is totally unacceptable.  I had treats for my third class, but the other 2 classes did not partake!  I made sure they knew my 4th grade was having donuts and a movie because they have not stopped working and are not being disrespectful!

This week was also my summative observation done by the principal. We plan a lesson, present our plans and the principal comes into our classroom and watches us teach and how the children respond to what is being taught.  It was scheduled for Thursday afternoon at 1 pm to 1:30 pm.  The kids were going to do a compare and contrast lesson using various multicultural Cinderella stories.  I have about 12 books of different versions of Cinderella.  We read most of the books and then we divided into 2 groups and each group chose one version to break down into the parts of fiction; we came back together and made a Venn Diagram which helps us see how things are similar and different.

Well that morning, in the middle of the workshop about drama, I was told she had 2 observations scheduled at the same time so she would be coming to my class 30 min earlier....which would be fine but since the teachers are taking the classes out to play, the kids have been coming to me 10 - 15 min late everyday and THEN need the bathroom and drinks.  I do not have a bathroom in my classroom so all of them must go to the "gang" bathrooms.  I made arrangements with their teachers to send them 15 min earlier (in my lunch period) so when the principal came in, she would see them already at work.

She came in and they were very involved and participating and actually remembered the rules of the classroom.... and 10 min into the evaluation, we had a fire drill!!!  Everyone had to evacuate the building and march up the hill to the bottom of the hill and away from the perceived fire.  I am unable physically to race up and down a hill for a fake fire, so usually my fellow teacher takes them with his group....which he did Thurs.  I told the principal he had the kids and she said, are they all there and I said yes.   She went up and down the hill in her stillettos she wore that day, and when we returned to our class, she did not.  So the observation was only 10 min.  I am glad it is over, but she did not see the entire lesson.  I got a good score although it did not "stand out" and there were no "innovatives" given to my report. There were no negatives and everything went well.

Today, I have had so much pain I could not stand it.  I did promise that class if we "passed" the observation, we would celebrate, so in the morning I got hot chocolate and donuts and we watched a movie of a book we had read this year.  So much sugar....so little time.  One of the girls gave me a Mother's Day card and a plastic bag of various soaps, samples of shaving cream, and hair combs.  The card read "Happy Mother's Day, Daughter, with love".  I laughed; hugged her, thanked her, and watched her grin from ear to ear.  She was so funny.

Tonight and tomorrow I am alone in this quiet house.  I am thankful for that since my roommate usually whirls around amidst all the chaos of school, volleyball and anything else she can stir up.  I am taking my pain meds and plan on sleeping "until I wake up" tomorrow morning.  Maybe I will treat myself to breakfast out and a good book.  Maybe if Mesut gets lucky he will get internet connection and I can see his beautiful blue eyes.  Tonight apparently when he "tried his lucky", it did not work.

So until another day, I bid you goodnight.  I am thankful for a quiet house; no bad news from any family members, at this point, and the sweet, overwhelming pain relieving feeling overtaking my body. 

Beauty

Sitting in a waiting room

Women and men

waiting

for the newest, best,

latest beautifying, age-reducing

miracle.

I think,

I am out of place....

I am not beautiful,

I am not wealthy,

I am not dressed in fashionable clothes,

But,

my reason for being

in this ritzy-titzy

high priced doctor's

waiting room

is because of

Ugliness...

ugliness of cancer.

Cancer tried to rob me

of everything I

held dear,

but this generous

man, who caters

to the rich and famous

took care of me.

He renewed my life,

He fixed what was wrong,

nipped, tucked, hollowed out,

and removed the ugliness.

Now here I sit

in the same room

of the ritzy-titzy

fashionable and wealthy

men and women

with tanned and leathered,

pulled and tucked,

stick people afraid to eat,

body beautiful people

whose only goal in life

anymnore

is to remain young,

wrinkle-less, trying

to hold on to days gone by.

I think,

here I am sitting in

this waiting room,

I am comfortable in

my skin (even with pain),

I am comfortable in

my clothes, old and faded,

I am sagging, wrinkling,

over-weight, with

hair I fix myself....

These people look

at me,

as if to say,

You are not

one of us,

You will never be

one of us,

and they

look down their noses,

over their stuffed wallets,

and I think,

I

AM

BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

 

And Tonight From the Frontlines

I feel like I am a news reporting, reporting the daily news to one and all....

Yesterday's birthday events were wonderful, culminating in a wonderful call from Mesut in the middle of my sleep.  I was so thankful to hear from him.

Today I went to my car to drive to work and my battery was dead.  I had to have my roommate drive me to work (grumbling all the way).  Then I told her she would also have to drive me to my dr appt because I would not have a new battery until I got a "jump" and went  to the store.  She was NOT happy.

I went through the day, having cupcakes with each of my classes and a parent conference (unplanned because of disrespectful behavior to me) and off I went in the pouring rain (again) to have my tattoo re-colored.  I asked the lady doing the tat if my right breast looked different than the left and she said yes...it is concave.  Because of reconstruction surgery, I have implants....I should not be concave.  She said to contact the dr the next day (he was in surgery today) and I asked if he nurse was there.  She came in to check me and said, Oh Faith.  You have to have this restructured!   ANOTHER SURGERY!!!!!  the fifth one since Oct 31!!!!!   I must go tomorrow to see the dr and find out what he recommends to repair the work.  The nurse said since the surgery for cancer had been so extensive, there was no fator muscle to hold the  implant still.  They would probably have to take "fat" from another area of my body (not like there is a sparcity of fat), and place it into the breast!

I do not want to have anymore surgery but if I must, I don't want it done until school is finished!!!!!  If it is life or death, which I do not think it is, I will have to have it sooner...but then I will have to repeat this year of work....and retirement will be postponed another year!!!  Not acceptable!!!

I texted my niece Heather to tell her of my maladies...and she informed me she had gone in for her 6 month check up from her double mastectomy done in Sept.... and they found another suspicious nodule, which they immediately did an ultrasound and then an immediate needle biopsy.  The biopsy did come back benign (Thank you God) but they are going to keep a close watch on it...to be sure the cancer does not return!  Nice to know that when the dr's tell you that there is a less than 1% chance of breast cancer recurring after a double mastectomy (which we both had done at the same time for the same type of cancer), it shows up... not cancer yet, but the possibility is definitely more acutely known now.

Tonight I will telephone Mesut, after he goes to work, and inform him of what is happening here on the front line....  As for this family, we need many prayers!!!  2 sisters with heart problems which are not to be ignored by either sister and 2 other females conquering breast cancer!!!  God help us all!!!!  And HE will!!!!!!

Blessed am I among women

I am one very incredibly, overwhelmingly, blessed by GOD and loved by so many wonderful people.  I am in awe by the amount of attention given to me today and this weekend.  I have been blubbering al weekend because of the great love shown to me.

I have always known my family loved me...they had no choice....but I cannot believe how many people who do not know me in "real life" or are not relatives who have shown me so much love this weekend.  AND not just this weekend but I am overwhelmingly in awe of how much love has been shown to me in the past 8 months!  God is good ALL THE TIME.  I feel so totally undeserving of such a great love as was given to me.

The greatest gift is the gift God gave me with LIFE.... CANCER FREE LIFE!!!!  I ask why me?  Why do others die and I am given this beautiful gift?  I have no answer other than, I still have work to do and people to love and help.  So...I am off.... on a new journey in my 61st yr on this earth, with family and friends loving me and encouraging me, and a man I never expected to have love me, so unconditionally.

On the flip side, Judy had another setback today.  She has vertigo at times and has had 3 really bad episodes in the past 2 wks.  Because of this, the drs will do a thalium stress test tomorrow to see what is wrong with her heart.  Her spirits seem good, she is still laughing, however, she is tired of fighting to be alive and well.  She has been handicapped for numerous years and of late, her visits to the hospital have been more and  more frequent.

My other sister, Cheryl is also having heart problems and will be undergoing tests and procedures to cure her tachycardia.  I have the same thing but atrial, not ventricular tachycardia.  There is a lot less chance of me dying because of my heart difficulties. She has been told NO Alcohol and she said she is cutting back, but she is an alcoholic and always has a drink in her hands.  I choose not to drink because I too enjoy alcohol.  I do not want to be like her or her son and husband. 

Please pray for my sisters.  I am in a position where I could lose one or both due to serious health issues.  I am NOT prepared to let go of them just yet.

Anyway, Thank you friends and family for a glorious weekend (though there were issues with health for my sisters) and THANK YOU GOD for all you wonderful blessing in friends and family and just life in general.  I AM A BLESSED WOMAN AND EVER SO THANKFUL!!!!!

Happy Blessings Day to Me

Tomorrow is my birthday....61 yrs on this earth.   This year I wasn't sure there would be a 61 because of my "cancer journey".  I wasn't sure I would be here to celebrate another year with my family and friends.

If there is anything I have learned, and there are so many things I learned, it is my life is not my own....it belongs to God.  His timing is not mine (otherwise I would be with the man I love with all my heart) BUT this timeline (not like the Facebook Timeline---grrrr) has a purpose and place. If I had been in Turkey in Sept, I might not have had a mammogram done at that particular time (and I was already several months late having it done); I would not have been here to support my beautiful niece, Heather, as she went through her own cancer journey.  But I learned how much that man I desire to be beside, just how much love he has for me.  How concerned he was that I was leaving his life.  How much he was tormented not being with me to take care of me and help me through all the office visits, treatments, surgeries. 

I found out just how much love my roommate, Barbara has for me, even though she has been deeply hurt with the presence of Mesut in my life.  She stood beside me; promised me she would be here and we would get through this episode in my life, together....she is a true  friend; my sister.

I learned how many true and honest friends I have in this world.  I knew there were people who would put on a show of concern, because it was expected of them...but true friendship goes beyond contributing to buy flowers or send a card.  It is picking up the phone and calling and listening to someone tell them step by step what was going on in their life. It was spending hours sitting and watching tv or crochetting, while I slept; or helping change dressings or walking me to the bathroom.  It is kazillions a prayers around the world being said for one person - ME- because of a great love!

I learned so much about family and who your family is...biological family and family who are family by choice.  Those people who you choose to claim as family because they love unconditionally not for what they can give; family you think you can depend upon but find that some things are just not in their realm of possibilities.  Accepting family members who say they will be there but weren't.....and yet knowing, in their heart of hearts, they were lifting me up to God.

Yesterday, my collegues at work, had a happy hour at the country club, in honor of me.  I became acutely aware of just how blessed I am to have another year!  Another year of being with these very people I have worked with for 28 yrs.  These very people who back stab but smile to your face (none of them showed up), but also those people who quietly gave their support in prayer or thoughts; One more year with my children at work.  Those very children who wear me down to the bone; tire me out; make me angry with their disobedience, but those children who hug and love without wavering.

AND another year to share with anyone who will listen to me, the Goodness and Mercy of God Almighty.  Mesut tells me all the time, "Askim, we have one BIG God!  He bring us together.  He hold us together! He will heal you. You will not have cancer.  We will have many years together...all because of God."

One more year to have my internet long-distance relationships which encourage, admonish, believe in me, love me, and keep me believing there is a world of PEACE out past all the hatred and cultural gaps, traditional boundaries; variations of religions...there is Peace and Love.  Thank you all for giving me that HOPE!  That Belief!!!

And, one more year to grow and enjoy the blessings I have every day and how I need to dwell more on the blessings than on the "woes and worries" I seem to dwell upon.  One more year to Praise my God!  To love my family.  One more year to spend loving a man 3 continents away with a larger love and confidence than any I have experienced here in my hometown.

Right now, my sisters are both very ill.  One is here in FL and very ill with a heart conditon which could instantly kill her!  Her husband (not one of my favorites) has no insurance on her because he will not stay at a job long enough to get her insurance coverage.  Because of this, she, who has had breast cancer, cannot take the drugs she needs and cannot get the procedures done to her heart that she needs.  My other sister is in Pennsylvania and has been in the hospital since April 3.  She has MRSA, she has 2 suspicious lymph nodes in her chest which could be TB, she has kidney failure; a blood clot; shortness of breath because her lungs are full of fluid and surrounded by fluid; The drs discovered yesterday that she might have had a serious heart attack or have serious heart damage done;  Today as I spoke to her to try to make her laugh and not give up (paying it forward for what she gave to me), she said the drs told her she may have a bowel blockage in addition to all else.  She needs surgery but cannot have it because her body is too weak.  Yesterday she had to have 2 units of blood.

We just spoke today and both of us were discussing how blessed we truly are.... because health is only one part of our lives....family, grand children, children not related, friends who remain steadfast, and a never failing Heavenly Father who is preparing a place for us in Heaven.  Do I want to lose my sisters?  NO WAY!  Do I want to never be with the man I love?  NO.....  Is there a chance of both, yes, but there is also HOPE.  There is LOVE....there is the PRESENT and in that present, there are gifts of love and life. 

We are currently planning a birthday celebration for my father and 85 yrs of being with us. We all know his time on earth is growing shorter....but he is here now. Here for us to love and appreciate all he sacrificed and gave us growing up. What he continues to give from his heart every day. The prayers he says for all of us (including Mesut) every night and falls asleep praying and reading his Bible. This man, who growing up was absent so often, is present now and to be loved and cared for. I am privileged to have another year loving him and appreciating the man he was and is today.

So, on my 61st year on this earth, in an imperfect family, with faulty, failing friendships, long distance relationships that cross cultural boundries, traditions and religions, there is PEACE, LOVE, HOPE, BELIEF....SO MUCH LOVE.  My cup overflows!  Thank you all for my birthday gift of friendship and love.  The packaging, the ribbon and the LOVE are beautiful and have not gone without thanksgiving for each of you!

 

Update on Judy

Yesterday I came home from the dentist and having 2 teeth extracted.  As I was lying here with ice on my. face and pain pills in my body, my phone rang.  It was my sister.  I could barely understand her.  Her breathing was ragged and raspy. 

She told me that her surgery has been cancelled to remove the MRSA in her leg Monday because her lungs are filling with fluids and are surrounded by the fluids.  Her kidneys are failing, though she says they are working better now but not enough to empty her body of the unneeded fluids.

She says she has made her peace with God so what ever happens she will be ok with it because she will be with God in Heaven or on earth.  I, on the other hand, am not ready to let go of her!  She is my sister  I have a biological sister, but Judy and I have a bond which I consider unbreakable.  She of course is concerned about me and my mouth but I am not going to die from having 2 teeth pulled.  She has many things, any of which could kill her ... blood clots, MRSA, fluids drowning her or 2 swollen lymph nodes in her chest.  

Please continue to lift my sister up to God for His healing touch.  She has grandchildren she needs to watch grow.  She is only 66 yrs old.  I need my sister very much!  She was instrumental in my actually face to face meeting Mesut.  My roommate has never forgiven her for helping me out.  My roommate's sister has not spoken to me in 5 yrs because I "hurt her sister" by going to Turkey.  I hate grudges and holding on to the negative things in life.  I cuts our lives short by dwelling on negative things.  I know that even though I have been very ill of late, I have a goal and a plan to be with Mesut.  My life will Just begin at that point.. a new chapter full of love and life.  Judy needs to see that happen and know I am happy.

PLEASE PRAY FOR MY SISTER AND HER HEALTH.  PRAY FOR MY PEACE OF MIND AND FOR MY ROOMMATE'S FORGIVENESS OF SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED 1/2 A DECADE AGO.  I need my sister ery much! 
My sister now.   When you think of me or her, lift her up to God for his healing.  Thank you so much!

Update on Judy

Today Judy was to have much needed surgery on her hip/leg because she has the MRCA infection in the bone.  She could not have surgery because she has a blood clot in the back of her knee and the blood thinners have thinned her blood so much, she is now having transfusions to increase the clotting time of her blood.  Today, however, the drs found 2 enlarged lymph nodes in her chest which will be checked out tomorrow with a CT Scan but the most pressing issue now is that her kidneys are shutting down.  She may have to begin dialysis in order to have surgery and clear up the MRCA.  Any number of these things could kill her.  I am asking you for prayers for her and sharing of your love and encouragement by sending cards to her.  I am asking anyone who would be so kind as to do this to send good wishes, prayers, etc to her.  She is very down in the dumps but said she told God that whatever His path is for her, she is ok with it.  I am not ok with losing my sister.

I am going to list her hospital address and I hope some of you will send cards but if you cannot do that, if you would pray for her and ask your churches to pray as well, I would truly appreciate it.  You all lifted me up to God in your thoughts and prayers, and now my sister is in need.

Her is her address:

Ms. Judy Stevens

Thomas Jefferson University Hospital

% Gibbon Building Room9132

111 S. 11th Street

Philadelphia, PA 19107

USA

Thank you so much for your love, concern and consideration.  I love my sister very much and I need her around for a long time.  Pray for me too.  I need to update my father tomorrow.  He is 85 and she is his first born child.

I'll keep you all updated.  Thanks again!!!!

Faith

Judy

I have an older half sister, Judy, who lives in Pennsylvania.  She is 5 yrs older than I am and she has a different mother (who by the way, looks exactly like my own mother).

Growing up, I only knew my sister Judy when she would come spend occasional weekends with our family.  Her mother and my mother were not great fans of each other, so times spent together, for me at least, were few and far between, but very precious.  She was the person I looked up to and admired so much.  She wore glasses, which she had to remove when she went to bed, and I thought as a 5 yr old girl, that this was absolutely the coolest thing one could possibly do (now I know better).  She was a "hero" to me.  She was older, more knowledgable, knew all the songs on the radio and had a beautiful voice.  I loved when she came to stay, even though it was generally only a Friday night and Saturday, and then she would return to Allentown from our home in Quakertown.  Allentown seemed like a BIG city compared to our small rural town and living in Allentown was the "best" place to be.

Being with Judy was just about the  most exciting thing that could happen to a little dimpled girl, who thought the sun rose and set on her older sister.

Through the years, our times spent together were sparce.  I remember mom crying a lot because of words said by Judy's mom and hearing about the alimony/child support that had to be paid to her mom, which kept us wearing hand me down clothes and dresses made from chicken feed cloth sacks.  What I  found out years later was that Judy and her mom were just as destitute as we were during those years and many times, Judy was with her grandma, just as we lived with my grandparents often, due to not having the money for rent or food.

When I  grew up, Judy had married and had kids.  I felt alienated from them because now we lived in Florida and she and her family were still living in Pennsylvania.  Summer vacations north would be the only times we would see each other.  It was not until I had been through nursing school and then had graduated from college and lived in Minnesota 7 yrs, that Judy and I "reunited" and got very close.  She and her husband had divorced and her kids had married.  So much time had passed and there was so much "catching up" to do.

What we found in our more frequent visits was that we were very much alike.  We shared a love for old musicals (Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Gene Kelly, etc), we both loved "oldies" music from the 50's, and 60's.  We also had the same warped sense of humor and spent a great deal of time laughing hysterically.  She was a much better card player than I was and would beat me at 500 Rummy well into many nights and early  mornings.  I loved spending time with my sister.  I loved seeing how she "survived" through a divorce (after a rough marriage), then the death of her ex-husband, whom had remained her friend; the slow downward progression of her mother's health (alzheimer), as well as how she remained actively involved in cooking, baking, and caring for others (neighbors, relatives and paramedics) while dealing with numerous, health difficulties herself.

My family nicknamed Judy, the Bionic Woman because almost all her "parts" had been replaced  with artificial parts.  When she was young, she broke both wrists at the same time; she has had her hips both replaced several times; she has had her shoulders replaced; has had surgery on her ankles, knees, and feet besides having major "organ" surgeries.  She is prone to blood clots, infections, and a multitude of other maladies.... and yet, she laughs, and encourages others.  During my recent episode with breast cancer, Judy was my greatest supporter.  She sent cards and notes all the time and called frequently to allow me to cry, "bitch and moan" about my trials and tribulations, and just, generally, tried to keep me upbeat and positive.  She is also a great encouragement where Mesut is concerned.  She prays for us; helped me to get a plane ticket (a loan) so I could meet him in person to see if we really did care about each other, when I knew she did not have 2 nickels to rub together herself.

She lives alone in a small subsidized apartment for those who have physical handicaps.... and Judy is one total physical handicap.  She has difficulty with mobility, wears a brace on one legs, walks with a walker, but continues to constantly be on the go, even with a car that needs to be buried and won't go into reverse.  She cares for her neighbors, cooks for her cousin who lives on a lake in the Pocono Mountains, where Judy loves to spend weeks in the summer.  However, her car being near dead, and Judy's health being tedious, trips to visit her cousin are less and less.

About a wk ago Wednesday, I got a call from Judy saying she was in the hospital (again).  She has suffered so many falls in her apartment that until recently, she knew the paramedics by name and would cook and bake for them to repay them for coming to her rescue and transporting her to the hospitals.  Well, here she was again, in the hospital. She had gotten up to use the restroom in the middle of the night and when she tried to return to bed, her legs would not move, and because of the surgery to her shoulders, she was unable to even lift her legs onto the bed.  She waited until about 5:30 a.m. and called her daughter who told her to call the paramedics.  They transported her to the hospital in pain as if she had broken or popped out her hip again.  Xrays did not show that problem however and she was admitted for tests.  What was found was a blood clot behind her knee and what was suspected was a infection in her hip joint.  Of course her mood was bleak, but she continued to laugh her contagious laugh and to try to encourage me after I had told her of my exhaustion and pain since returning back to work.  I heard nothing more until tonight.

Judy has been depressed and not wanting any communication with family (outside of her kids).  She was put on blood thinners for the blood clot and a procedure was done to determine if there was indeed an infection in her leg/hip bones....and there is.   She has previously had MRCA but now the culture returned staph.  The dr, however, decided the MRCA is what caused her problems this time and why she was totally immobilized with pain.  She was to have MAJOR surgery today, but because of the blood thinners, her blood count was too low (clotting time) and they have been giving her plasma to build her up so she could tolerate this reconstructive surgery.  What they are going to do is go into her hip and down into her leg to insert antibiotics which will slowly be disbursed over the next 6-8 wks, and then have to be repeated.  The drs said that because of the numerous hip surgeries (at least 10) she has had, the bone is almost gone.  They will have to rebuild the bones.  Her leg will be shorter and she will have to wear special shoes which will even out the difference in her legs.

I feel so horrible for her that my heart is aching.  I feel as if a part of me is going through this with her.  I have posted on Facebook to try to get people who wrote to me, encouraged me, prayed for me, sent cards, letters, and gifts, to also do the same for Judy.  I can only do so much but I want desperately to repay all the love and kindness she has always shown to me.  I would love for her to receive cards and encouragement from around the world.  If anyone would be interested in mailing cards or notes to her, please let me know and I will either send her address or mine to you and get the cards to her one way or the other.  If all you can do is pray, that will be wonderful also.  She needs our prayers, our love and our encouragement.  She is 65 and her health is not real good....not to endure such extensive surgery, once again.

Judy, my sister, is my best friend in the world.  She is my heart and my soul and I love her so very much.  Please try to remember her each day and ask God to take care of her, heal her, and be with her doctors.  Thank you so much!!!!!!

Easter: The holiest day in. Christianity....forgiveness of our sins taken to the cross by the only sinless person to ever live, Jesus Christ Happy Easter to all those celebrating. Happy Passover to all my Jewish friends. I pray God's richest blessings for all my friends and family, whom I love deeply! God bless you all!!

Well, I have finished 4 days of work since Oct. 24. The kids were all thrilled to have me back (and I was thrilled to be back) BUT, it is as if the kids have forgotten every rule we had established since day one in August. Three boys (one in each grade level) have been giving me fits!!! One was caught by another teacher racing in the hallway and then caught again giving me smart aleck remarks and he was "led" to the office by the disciplinarian of our side of the school. He was out of my room all 90 min today....and we (the rest of the class) actually got work done!!!! I am sooooooooooooooooooooo exhausted, physically and mentally, that this afternoon while trying to read The Borrowers book to my 4th grade, I was mixing up words and not making sense. Yesterday I had meetings and no breaks all day long. The principal has asked me to find some grants to write for the school, in addition to teaching the ELL kids and getting them ready for the FCAT examination in 3 wks. I came home today, barely walking (more like dragging) my body straight into my bedroom. I sat on the bed, talked to Mesut for about 2 minutes before he lost connection.... and then I lost consciousness. I fell asleep. Everyone keeps telling me to take things slowly (at work) and then they tell me all the things I need to do, have done, or learn how to do. Frustration is a word I would use to describe this first week at work. I love the kids .... I love teaching.... but I am so tired, I cannot even think. I feel ineffective, and this afternoon, I really thought I was going to drop (literally) to the floor, so I sat down before I had the chance to drop. I had stitches removed yesterday and in 2 wks will have the last of the "known" procedures done They informed me it may take a yr to yr and 1/2 before I feel like my "old" self. I am feeling incredibly "OLD" right now. Will write more later, when my eyes are actually open.

Well, my first day went pretty well. I ran off copies of the benchmarks I am to teach only to find out a few hours later that during 5 months, things have changed. We no longer use them....we have "calendars" made up by each grade level.... so I threw away all the papers I just xeroxed... and started again. I have lesson plans for tomorrow...but nothing beyond that. Guess before I go to the dr tomorrow, I will be rushing around trying to get things gathered together for this week. The kids come tomorrow....and I must say, I am looking forward to that. I have little cakes for each child to have one....and I am getting a new student tomorrow, fresh from Cuba and knows NO English. Another boy in my 5th grade. I now have 4 boys and 2 girls in that group. 2 girls and 3 boys in fourth grade and 1 girl and 4 boys in third grade (but those boys are so hyper, they feel like 50 boys!). I am exhausted and hurting, so I am going to bed early (for me). Will keep you updated on what happens at work.

Addendum

I forgot the changes which have taken place at our school....for the best.  Our principal resigned in December and our new principal is fun and encouraging and very supportive.  She does not put up with daily BS but can laugh and have fun.  Also, because she has come to our school, our assistant principal (the Wicked Witch of the West) has been re-assigned to another school.  She got a lateral move as assistant principal to a largely Ecuadorian Haitian populated school (which means no boundaries and no disciplined children).  The first day she was there, she had 6 discipline referrals to handle.  At our school, she passed kids off the my roommate or to a custodian.  She never dealt with discipline or kids in general.  Then the next day, their school was on a lockdown because there was a "shooter" in the neighborhood.  She has not had a great time so far.

The thing with this lateral move, which she describes as a move she could not refuse, is that she is only interim.  She is taking the place of THEIR assistant principal who is on leave to care for her dying mother.  Next year, who knows where she will be.  She has a contract with the district until 2013.  Unless she gets placed at the district office, where people skills are not required, she will not be successful in education.

I did write to her and wished her luck.  I told her she would be in my thoughts and prayers...which is where she has been since she came to our school.  She is mentally ill (bipolar and ocd) and she is getting worse.  I wish she would take meds to help her.  She is not a bad person, she is just very ill.

ANYWAY, some changes are good.  I am looking forward to working with our new principal... and my "babies".

Tomorrow...... dum da dum dum!

Well, tomorrow is the day for me. I thought I was nervous with 3 surgeries and a tattoo.... I am more nervous of returning to work tomorrow. I have been gone 5 months! Already I am having dreams about going back and doing something wrong..... people "finding out I can't teach".... kids not wanting me back..... and writing lesson plans!

Actually, I am prone to do this after summer break and winter break. I get nervous. I dream dreams that scare me to death. I have been doing this same job for 28 yrs. I have taught over 600 kids. I have kids who return to me bringing THEIR kids to meet me. I am teaching some of those kids' kids. AND still I am nervous.

I just went through the scariest time of my life with breast cancer, infections, reconstruction and pain and I am afraid to go back to work. I feel very childish for having these dreams and jumpy stomach but the last time I saw my room (when I did Dr. Seuss) the sub had rearranged my room and I hate it. Tomorrow will be pushing desks together and getting it back to a workable (for me) room. I like the closeness i have with the kids, sitting with them and interacting with them. I don't lecture, I work with them. My kids are learning English and trying to get vocabulary and comprehension down to a T. They must take a 6 day exam in about 3 wks .... in English. It does not test their abilities but only their understanding of English. I have no idea what has been happening in my room since I've been gone..... I guess that scares me. Our school system grades teachers on the results of these exams. Our pay will soon be determined by these grades. I am truly thankful that soon I will retire from the public school system because teaching is not what it used to be.

We have something called Arts Integration, where art forms are integrated into the daily curriculum. We are a "Pilot school" for this. I like it to an extent but some things cannot be taught through art. I have done full length plays (when I was younger and had a regular classroom). I enjoyed doing the plays/musicals with the kids. I enjoy playing music for the kids while they work...but some things must be taught... plain out. I try to incorporate childrens' books (picture and chapter books) into the curriculum. The kids learn more about the American culture and traditions this way and they enjoy it. As culminating activities, I do art and writing projects with them. They are graded on the content they present as comprehension. So many of the kids are unable to articulate what they are thinkiing and feeling but with art and writing (in English or their language) they are able to express. I am surprised how quickly they learn to speak English, but there is so much more they need to learn. How to express themselves verbally, in writing, by comprehending what is said and read, and how to apply what they learn. I always tell them I do not expect perfection. I want them giving 100% of themselves in their learning. They know when they are giving their best.... and their best will always be good enough for me. It shows up in their learning gains (how many points they score from the prior year). 160 points is equivilent to a year's academic growth. Last yr one of my kids went up 800 points. He gave 100% of himself to learning and he always gave his best with homework, studying, doing extra work to learn, and he succeeded. He was proud of himself and I was super proud of him.

Tomorrow I return to work.... scared, 12 stitches still in my right breast, and a hole in my mouth due to a cap falling off yesterday as I was eating. Because of not getting a real paycheck for 5 months, and savings being non existent, I was advised to drop my vision and dental insurance until I return to work. I return tomorrow, however, insurance for these two items do not "kick in" until the end of April. So until that time, I am drinking only protein drinks and eating things which will not "fall into the pit" in my mouth and have to be "swished out". I hate dentists (even more than I hated being in the hospital twice). I am terrified of them, must take antibiotics before work can be done (heart trouble), and I need to take Xanax to calm down prior to going. I do not have a dentist right now because the one I did have (who made the cap that came off) moved and did not leave a forwarding address. I did not care for him anyway and he was VERY expensive. Everytime I went, it cost me $500 and that was WITH insurance coverage. I think lawyers and dentists really rip off people for the work they do. (That's another story).

Anyway, tomorrow, I return. It is a teacher work day, so no kids. Tuesday my kids come to me. I am glad of that....and nervous. I have missed them terribly. The fifth grade group (11 yr olds) have been calling me at lunch on my roommate's cell phone. They keep asking when I am coming back. They miss me and now are BEGGING me to come back and teach them. I missed an entire trimester with them...but tomorrow... I return.... quaking knees, hole in my mouth, and stitches in my "bob".... I return victorious!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feelings.......

Well, yesterday I went to the dr for the last procedure needing to be accomplished on this "journey" I have been on for 5 months. I went into the office expecting to have a new nipple made for me as well as a tattoo around it for the areola part.

Since the surgery, I have had much numbness and pain, which to me is contradictory. If you are numb, due to nerves being cut, there should be no pain....You ARE numb!!! However, for some reason it does not work that way. Since Oct. I have had more pain than I ever thought possible, all the while being numb under my arms and across my "new" breasts. I have been told I will have no feelings in them ever again and the numbness will probably never go away. Apparently that goes for pain as well. When I had surgery because of the cancer, the right breast had to have the nipple removed since that is where the cancer converged from 3 different ducts in my breast. I have been numb under my arms from immediately after surgery, then more so after the 2nd surgery to repair the imperfect implants and now it seems to be worse. The sides of my chest, the under arm areas and the breasts are numb. I can feel pressure but that is all.

So yesterday when I went in for the nipple replacement, I knew I would not feel anything. I am numb! Tricked again!!! He injected xylocaine to make me more numb and I felt the needles. That made the dr very excited saying that maybe I WILL get feeling back. Yippee!!!! I am a contradition in so many different ways. I never do things the "way it has always been before", and always seem to make my own way in healing, or catching diseases, or whatever. Nothing is ever NORMAL.... whatever normal is. I am beginning to think there is NO normal anything for me.

I thought when I entered the office I would come out with a tattoo surrounding a new nipple. Simple. Nope. They did make a new nipple but here I am again with about a dozen sutures in that small appendage and more pain than I expected in an area numb from nerves having been cut three times now. Everytime I move, bend over, try to lift (a no-no), or turn the wrong way, I get sharp pain in my numb areas!

I will return in 10 days to receive the coveted tattoo. I asked if I could get a rose bud but he said, no, I do only circles. I told him to make the outline and I would take a magic marker and color inside the lines. He laughed at me....... I was serious. I never wanted a tattoo anywhere and now I am getting on that I can show to no one! Where is the fairness in that.

And then you have "Job's Friends" who are ever so helpful with their comments. Here are a few: "You are so vain! Why do you need breasts anyway? They are only for men to look at". and "If it was me, I would never have gone through all this surgery and expense for something that is not needed". and today, "Oh I had that done once and the nipple died and fell off!" Wahoo!!!! All the helpful comments of "friends".

So as I was discussing this with my confidante, my sister, Judy, she listened and laughed and then said, "Cookie, you have to make your own decisions! No one can make them for you. You are a young woman with a lot of life to live and a lot of love to give." The kids at work love you, your family loves you, and Mesut loves you. You do what YOU think is right for YOU and for no one else". She said she wishes she could kick my butt because I am so full of self-doubt about being a good teacher, writer, person, or one able to be loved truly and faithfully by someone so far away."

What I heard out of her "speech" to me was, count your blessings; believe in yourself; believe in the love Mesut and you share and have for 7 yrs; and stop second guessing yourself. You are smart and able to make wise decisions. Don't listen to people who think they know you better than yourself. Give yourself a break!!! you have been through 5 months of hell with your health: physically and emotionally, and even spiritually. Give yourself time to heal, inside and out.

My sister is wise. She is my half sister. We share our father....but as life would have it, we could have been twins. We basically look alike, act alike, have the same warped sense of humor...and we share the same insecurities about ourselves. Thank you God for giving me someone so close, they can understand my "pretzel logic".

In one week I return to work. I am scared. I get like this after summer break; after Christmas break... and now after 5 months gone for health issues. My inner person keeps wondering when "they" will find out I don't know what I am doing as a teacher; Will the kids want me back? Will my health allow me to keep going? Will I make it to retirement in 2 yrs?

In two weeks I go back to the dr for the tattoo. Will it hurt as much as getting the nipple replaced? Will it look normal? Am I just being vain? Will Mesut still love an imperfect person?

My heart tells me: God makes no mistakes! Believe! Your kids love you! You are a good teacher (God does not make junk). Mesut has done everything but stand on his head to prove he loves me. Heaven knows he could have left at any time and not let me know anything...but he is "here". I get texts; I get calls; I see him online; and if a miracle happens and I can finally save up money again, I will see him and be with him until death and beyond.

So with all my emotional, psychotic ramblings, I am blessed by God! I have far more than most people who materially have more than I have. I have a love deeper than I could ever have expected! I have NO MORE cancer in my body! I am whole!....artificial parts, perhaps...but with a heart full of love for all and thanksgiving to my family, friends, Mesut, but more importantly, God.

 

 

 

 

 

Long Distance Relationships

I have been going over and over in my brain, the pros and cons of long distance relationships. I have been in one, deeply entrenched in one, for almost 7 years. During that time there have been so many lovely times spent online, speaking on the phone, texting, and occasionally, visiting for 10 days at a t

Sometimes I believe it is easier for men to be in these relationships than it is for the women. Men do not think like women do. They do not need the comforting, companionship, and constant reminders of their love from the women. It is easier for them to NOT think constantly because they are working, eating, and then sleeping in order to go back to sometimes grueling jobs.

Mesut and I met online almost 7 yrs ago in August. I had, for 3 months, refused to speak to him because it had been my experience that every man online only wanted sex or his own pleasures. So when I was approached in June, I told my sister, Judy, the time had come, I was respecting myself, and I was NOT giving in to the wiles of another "lonely man" whose "wife won't be a wife to me". I knew the stories by heart. I longed to be loved and had settled, over the years, for any show of attention and "love" that was shown to me. Don't get me wrong, I did make many wonderful lasting friendships as well, but even those male friends gave it the "old college try" to get me to have cam sex or phone sex or some king of fantasy email sex.

I had gone to visit my sister in Pennsylvania, and while I was away, Mesut tried again to get me to write to him. He kept saying that he saw this "beautiful woman with a big smile and pink shirt" and he wanted to meet me because her knew I had a big heart. I still refused to answer his emails. However, when I returned home in August and back to my job as a teacher, August 15, Mesut tried again. I was not going to answer but a small voice in my head told me to talk to him. If he was like all the others, all I had to do was delete him from my computer.

I took a chance. When he contacted me the 4th time, I answered him. When his cam came on I was shocked. There sat the most handsome man I had ever seen. Black hair, tall, blue eyes and a smile that could melt the coldest heart. We talked for a long time, exchanging pleasantries and our "history". At first he was not forthcoming, stating he was Christian, Greek, and his name was Nikko. It didn't matter who he was, because he was a nice man. We listened to music and laughed and had a good time for several hours. He said, if it was ok, he would return the next day and we could learn more about each other. I agreed.

I rushed home from work the next day awaiting the presence of my new friend. He did not show up. The next night was the same, and three nights later it was the same. I told my friend that I was right in my thoughts. He came online, learned I would not have cam sex and was gone. But on the 4th night, there he was. His face was darkened; deep circles enveloped his eyes. He looked terrible. He said he had food poisoning and ended up in the hospital for a few days. He apologized for not letting me know but he did not have his computer in the hospital and we had not exchanged phone numbers.

He went to bed early that night because he truly looked like death. The next night he was back and looked much better, but he had a look of sorrow on his face. He said he had to tell me something and he did not want to tell me for fear I would leave. He had lied to me. He said his name was not Nikko; he was not Greek; and he was Muslim. He said I would never have spoken to him if I had known he was Turkish and Muslim. I asked why not. He said that since 9-11 everyone in America hated all Muslims and he just wanted to meet me because I had such a beautiful smile. I told him I didn't care where he was from or what he believed, but I did want honesty. He wept that I would forgive him. He wanted a good friend he could share with.....so did I. So we continued to meet for several months.

Before long, his job laying pipelines for water and gas, had taken him to a "secret place" where he had to work with the army. He hated the army but this was his job. He was not allowed to use internet or cell phone because of the danger of the mission and where he was. He was gone 7 months. During that time, I wondered if this was his way of saying good bye to me but whenever I doubted, I would get a message from his friend, in Turkish, which I had to translate, telling me Mesut was doing his job; he missed me; and please do not leaving his hands. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I was going nowhere. 7 long months went by before I received a package in the mail that a US air force pilot mailed for him. In it were gifts and 6 letters he had written during this time. I knew I was falling in love with this man and I knew I never wanted to be without him in my life, even if just as friends. Mesut was telling of his love for me and how much he wanted to be with me.

Since I had met Mesut, I had dropped all the other men I had ever spoken to online. I did not need their lies and false promises. I only wanted this man. This man who was practically 1/2 my age, over 10,000 miles away, spoke a different language, had a different culture/traditions (which he said were very hard traditions), and a different religion. None of that mattered. I knew I loved this man.

he wanted to know all about my past... not so he could condemn me but so he could know what my life had been like and he did not want secrets. There was one thing that was in my past that I was humiliated by and I did not tell him. He did find out about it and it became and issue which we had to straighten out. We talked it out, through tears and pain, but the love remains. Trust is the key! Without trust there cannot be love. It is NOT easy to do when you do not see that person but it can be done.

He finally returned to his home and told me he quit his job because he did not want to be at the will and whim of the army and his work place to send him all over Turkey to do his work. That meant he had no income; no prospect of a job; and no home. He came online and asked me to come to him. After more than a year of trusting this man, we needed to meet. We had some problems to overcome and they needed to be hit "head on" in person. Typing online, texting, etc, just didn't add to understanding, especially with different languages and understandings of what certain words meant. I went to my principal and told him I needed to take personal days to fly to Turkey and see if this was truly going to work. He told me to do what I had to do.

Don't get me wrong. It was not easy. My housemate kicked me out; my friends told me I could be raped, kidnapped, murdered, blown up by bombs. I told them I had already been raped by someone who was supposed to be a friend when I was 16 and I was tired of living in fear. I had other friends who were willing to loan me money to get to Turkey. I would borrow money against my TSA when I got home and pay them all back. Mesut could not believe I was coming there.

I flew into Chicago and then on to Istanbul. Everyone I met were kind to me. None of them looked like they hated me because I was American. They tried speaking to me in Turkish. My seatmate slept the entire flight but when we landed in Istanbul, he took me under his wing, buying me a coke and watching out for me until his flight had to leave. He directed me to where I needed to go and off I went to Ankara. It was the last night of Ramadan when I got there, so when I landed, everyone was anxiously awaiting the Ramadan feast to be had to celebrate the end of fasting. I had no idea where I was going when I got there but before long a short handsome man came running to me yelling, My sister, My sister. It was Mesut's friend Yasar who had been our "go between" during that 7 month span of not knowing what was happening. He kissed both my cheeks and through sign language, I showed him my luggage. Civilians are not allowed in the airports. They must wait outside. Only army personnel are allowed in... Yasar was working with the army. I asked where Mesut was and Yasar pointed outside.

I saw this tall man, with dark hair, very skinny standing behind a pillar. He walked out with a huge smile, repeating Merhaba, Merhaba askim. He held out his arms and I walked into them, with no fear or apprehension. He handed me 3 long stem red roses. We drove, Yasar as our driver, trying to find a restaurant with any empty seats. We finally found a place in a mall where we could eat. I was exhausted and had no idea what I was eating but it was spicy yet filling. Finally, Yasar drove us to a train station where he left us to go to his family. He and his wife had just had twins and he was anxious to get home. Mesut drove then to the small village of Golbosi where we found a hotel overlooking a lake with tall trees. I called home to let everyone know I was alive and well. Mesut said the first words I told my sister were "he's so tall!"..... and he was. He is 6'3" and I am 5'3" He weighed no more than a stick whereas I was double his girth. He just kept smiling and smiling. The first real kiss was magical, standing in front of the window overlooking this beautiful lake.

When I awoke the next morning I just gazed out the window taking in the view and pincing myself that I was indeed in Turkey. Since my earliest recollections, I had wanted to go to Turkey to travel the roads Jesus and Paul/Saul and other disciples walked. We were then on our way to Cappadocia to roam the ruins where Jews and Christians hid thousands of years ago from Roman persecution. we hiked, ran, and jumped from place to place. We spent several days there before heading to Abant, honeymoon haven for newlyweds. he said someday I bring you here and we stay. Beautiful lakes, mountains, green trees abounded. I never wanted to leave.

Then we traveled to Istanbul. What an amazing city. I fell in love with it (and my tour guide). We explored the Blue Mosque and Haggia Sofia as well as the Byzantine Cisterns. We ate Turkish Delight, baklava and drank tea. We "shared a plate" in a sidewalk cafe owned by a nice man named Ali and his brother in law. He played a guitar like instrument for me and welcomed me to return when I came back to Istanbul. On our last day there we were to go to the Grand Bazaar, however because it was "holiday" for Ramadan, it was closed. Instead we went out on a boat onto the Bosphorus Sea and Golden Horn. It was very fishy smelling and Mesut was sea sick. I kept him laughing to help him NOT to get sick.

Ten days in Turkey were too short. I never wanted to leave. When we arrived at the airport, he told me I was not to cry (too late). I gave my passport and boarding information to the man and he said, Ma'am, you are a day early. I still had a day left and I ran and jumped into Mesut's arms (my home). We drove through Istanbul, went back to Ali's cafe and that evening it rained. We ran through the streets of old Istanbul, singing and holding hands in the rain.

the trip home was not something I wanted to face because I would have to move all my things out of my home of 10 yrs. I loved my housemate but she thought I was stupid and could not tolerate my stupidity of running off to a place where Americans were hated to be with a man I did not know. Perhaps it was stupid, but it was necessary. If i was going to die, it would be wherever I was...US, in the air, in Turkey, or walking in our driveway. I did find an apt I could barely afford and not in a safe neighborhood. I would come home from work, head straight into the apt and lock the door. I had the freedom to be online whenever I wished; do whatever I wished; eat when ever I wished, without the scrutiny of my housemate.

A year and a few months passed before I planned a second trip to visit Mesut. I was beside myself but before I could go, my housemate asked me to move back in with her. I told her I was going to Turkey at Christmas and Mesut was deeper in my life than every before. We had said vows to one another in the mosque and in a Christian church. In our minds, if not legally, we were married before God. She said she understood but she was having trouble with the mortgage and she knew it was hard for me making the rent each month...so once more time, my two brothers helped me move back into the house. Christmas vacation came and I went, flying into Istanbul on Christmas Eve. I had packed gifts for Christmas and a small Christmas tree. He had gifts also awaiting me. I met another of his friends, who has since passed away from Kidney failure.

This time, we spent time first at his apt in Luleburgaz and then we went into Istanbul to visit Ali and his brother in law. He remembered us and called me his sister. I felt very much at home there. From there we went to Abant. It was snowing and so beautiful with the trees, lake and mountains covered in a 4 day snow. We stayed at a 5 star hotel which was beautiful. It served breakfast and dinner buffets and the rooms were gorgeous. During the day we played in the snow; went on a sleigh ride (freezing our butts off) 8 miles around the lake. Mesut could tell I was melancholy because our time was drawing near where I would have to leave. He said do you see that lake? It is very big lake. Behind it even bigger mountains, correct? I said yes. He said, if you stand on this side of mountains you see the lake. If you stand on other side of mountains, you do not see it, but did the lake leave? No. It is there all the time. That is how my love for you is. Even if we are not together yet, and there are continents between us, the love remains. God gave us a big love. God is a big God. He gave us this love and causes it to keep growing. Trust me, I will never leave your hands. I came into your life to make you happy, not to bring you sadness.

We spent New Year's Eve and Day in Istanbul. We ate baklava; watched a Whirling Dervish dance;and then waited in the courtyard between the Blue Mosque and Haggia Sofia to watch the fireworks and listen to the horns from the ships in the Bosporus. I was sad. I had one day left. We spent that day at the Grand Bazaar. I love bartering with merchants and buying souveneirs to take to my kids and housemate. But I dreaded the time when I knew I would have to kiss Mesut good bye and trust that we would be together again.

It has been 3 1/2 yrs since that holiday season of love and vows. Our love continues to get stronger. It is difficult because he has "hard traditions" there which he hates; his family does not like me because I am not Turkish; I am Christian; and though he and his "ex wife" have divorce papers drawn up, he is being blackmailed to remain with her until their son is grown up. He will be 14 in Sept. It is difficult communicating because where he lives now, he does not have internet connection very often. Text messages get tangled up and misunderstood; emails are few and far between. There have been health problems: I had breast cancer this year; his ex's grandmother died; he broke his leg; and now his mother has had a heart attack. But one thing remains constant. We try to talk, if only 5 min or a text a day. We love each other and the love is stronger every day. We pray together for God's goodness to bring us together forever.

Trusting is hard. When something happens and we do not hear from each other, the devil uses those times to try to instill doubt into our hearts. Thankfully, I have family and friends praying for us; encouraging me to trust him and his love for me. He could have left me at anytime, never calling, texting or coming online but he does. I could have told him, I am too old for you; I am not well. You need someone younger, prettier, healthier....and he says to me, I want YOU. I love YOU. God blessed us both with each other. I believe him. He ends all our conversations with: "First your trust God, then you trust me"; you never forget, this man loves your very much. I will never leave your hands.

AND my friends hear and abroad tell me, when trusting gets hard (especially after 5 months of sitting around healing and unable to do much of anything else but think), they will kick my "ass" if I don't start believing the words of this man who obviously loves me. I love him too....but it is extremely hard to not listen to the lies of the devil. The devil seeks to kill and destry and the easiest way for him to accomplish this goal is through lack of trusting God's love and the love of my husband, Mesut.

So a word to the devil....I might waiver from time to time, but in my heart, I trust God first and I trust my husband, Mesut. AND soon enough, we will be together and face whatever joys, happiness, love, or obstacles that come our way. Keep communication open and remember our God is a Big GOD and gives HIS love to very special people who are able to believe it, trust it, and keep it growing. I pray every day that our love continues because both of us believe with all our hearts we do love because of GOD. AND I am trusting God first, then Mesut, then myself. Get thee behind me satan when he tries to convince of me of lies!!!!! AND he does!!!! He does this to Mesut and to me. Mesut said not as much as my wife (me).... she is a maniac!!!! and then he laughs..... and I am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get Your Head in the Game

This week has been a bit trying for me. It seems that the Insurance Dept of our school district does not give you all the vital information you need about insurance coverage, medical leave, and Critical Care Insurance.

Since I found out I had breast cancer and underwent 2 surgeries with many complications, I have been making frequent (almost bothersome) visits to Risk Management to be sure I was paying everything that needed to be paid so I would not lose my insurance coverage, short term disability pay, etc. A good friend of mine works there (she used to be at our school and worked for me). She vowed she would do everything for me that needed to be done. This week I found out she gave some misinformation or neglected to cover some information.

As of Feb 29, I am uninsured because she forgot the next day was March 1st and she had to submit paperwork to get my COBRA insurance instated. I went into the school district twice this past wk to check on some things because I received a "lapse in policy" letter for my critical care insurance coverage (which by the way does not cover cancer). She said, Oh we don't take care of that. That was up to you! I asked why she had not told me that since I had asked all kinds of questions about what would and would not be covered. Her answer was, I forgot. BUT she also forgot that March follows February, so Friday I got a call from the company that covers my medications telling me I had no insurance coverage to pay for my prescriptions (which my co-pays alone run about $250-400 a month)...now if I need refills on my meds, I will pay full price for all of them. I also have no health insurance until COBRA in contacted, sends me forms to complete and I "overnight" deliver $500 for this month and then another $500 for April even though I will be working by then.

I cannot decide what emotions I am feeling. I am angry about not being given correct information dating back several yrs ago when an insurance rep hired by the school district informed me I did not need to be paying for Cancer insurance as well as critical care insurance because cancer IS a critical illness. I found out in October that Critical Care Insurance DOES NOT cover cancer, so the $20,000 check I would have received, was not there. Wrong information! Now more wrong information about my insurance policies leaving me without coverage and within a matter of days, having to find, from somewhere, $1500 to take care of my Critical Care, Health and Rx insurances. I almost feel betrayed by my friend since she was so nonchalant about forgetting to get COBRA paperwork BEFORE March 1st.

BUT I think I am most upset with myself. Not about doing anything wrong with the insurances because between my roommate and myself, we have done everything we were told to do including going to the drs to have to complete paperwork every 2-3 wks to extend my short term leave because of all the complications I suffered.

My own personal struggle is in my brain and in my heart (though I am a bit concerned about not having insurance in case I have trouble with my heart, diabetes or more complications with the cancer and still having one more procedure which needs to be done).

All through the cancer, the complications, the surgeries and all the dr's appts I have had to be driven back and forth to, and wondering what I was going to do about taking care of my dad, or pay rent, or pay all my bills with only 60% of my salary coming in, I trusted God to meet my needs. I was not afraid of the cancer or surgery because as a Christian, it was a win/win situation. I either got well or I died and went to Heaven. I also had the support of my family and friends; people at work bringing meals to the house; people calling to encourage me; and even though nurses never came to the house to help me (which they were supposed to do), I had several nurses calling me from all over the country, associated with my insurance. they provided places to call for financial assistance or emotional support.

I have called all the places they gave me to call, but the agencies do not help those who have had surgery or are not taking cancer drugs or have a job, even if they are not presently working. I did not qualify for any help at all. That was fine....but since I found out that all my insurances are cancelled, my great faith in God has dwindled to worrying and trying to plan and scheme how I will make it for the next 2 months, how I will get $1500 to pay for insurance. I am angry with myself for not trusting God to meet my needs.

The nurses who called me told me to go to my family and ask them for help. My family cannot help me. I have supported my dad for 17 yrs buying all his groceries and cooking for him. He is almost 85 yrs old and was self employed all his life. He has no pension. He lives on $2000 a month social security. My brothers both work but they have families they help support in college or when they are struggling themselves. There is NO WAY I can ask my family and I would not ask them anyway. The nurses said, can you go to your church? I said I emailed them explaining the circumstances and asking them to pray for God to supply my needs....and I have not heard a word from anyone from the church. To me this is not unusual. Most churches do not "give funding" for things like this...only building funds, orphanages in other countries, missions, etc. I was even more upset with the nurse for suggesting I ask all these people.

My question rolling around in my head is this: Why was I confident God would take care of me during all the cancer removal, surgeries, tests, treatments, and all the prescriptions, but now that I have to depend on Him for money, insurance, keeping me well and providing what I need to make all my payments, I am wavering?

Today I cleaned a lot; mopped floors, did laundry, (things I am not supposed to do yet) just to keep my mind off of worrying about money and insurance. My dad said, "God does not want us to have money. I have struggled all my life and my kids are struggling now". I don't believe that.

Some verses from Jeremiah 29 say just the opposite:

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD,

So tell me, if God says this, and we are told to believe His Word, and my name is Faith and faith is substance of things unseen..... why am I struggling so much with this??????

On the plus side: I have been able to speak with Mesut twice in 2 days (a real blessing) and his words to me are "never forget! This man loves you so much. I will never leave your hands or this love. God is a big God". A tremendous blessing today.

My body is killing me from doing things I was not supposed to do, so I will take pain pills tonight and tomorrow do just what I need to do to finish the laundry and fix dinner. Monday, this laptop goes to be diagnosed because I am having big troubles with it. I pray it is not too bad because I cannot afford to buy a new laptop in addition to the insurance! God help my faith and forgive my unbelief.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Punctuation: The Comma That Kills!

via cordelia.typepad.com

Anastasia, I hope you don't mind that I stole this from you. I love it and want to share it with my kids?

Reading Across America for Dr. Seuss' Birthday

Well, I must say, today as a treat for me.  I was able to participate in the Read Across America program to celebrate the birthday of Dr. Seuss.  When I arrived at school (very early...after not working since Oct 24), I had to choose a book.  The one I wanted to read I knew I had in my personal Dr. Seuss collection of books, called Daisy-Head Mayzie.

I wore black and white in honor of The Cat in the Hat, and had this and many more pictures taken BEFORE I ever went to the 2nd grade class to whom I would read.  The man in charge of the program, my good friend, Ray, told me that he had paired me up with someone from TV Channel 12.  He was a man I have known for probably 25 years and had not seen him in approximately 15 years!  What a surprise I had!  We had a great reunion!!!!!  I noticed (which didn't take much vision) he was carrying a video camera on a tripod.  He went with me to the classroom and set up his video camera for his news report this evening.  The kids were so excited they were going to be on tv.....but..... other news, school shootings and politics filled every minute of news broadcasting from 5 p.m. until 7:30 p.m.  What a disappointment.

I was to go first reading my book.  The hat I had made was "bothering" me because it kept trying to "slip off my head" so I politely asked the teacher to help me remove it, lifting it directly up and off my head.  All of a sudden, the kids began saying "Ms. Barndt, YOU have a flower under growing from your head!!!"  I had hidden a daisy (artificial, of course) under the hat with some hair clips so that I could be Daisy-Head Mayzie.  The kids were able to tell me what it took to grow plants; why it was not possible for flowers to grow from ones head, and even describe what the "lesson" Dr. Seuss was trying to teach....if you want others to love you, you have to love yourself first.  Of course, Mayzie plucked off the petals of the flower saying "They love me", "They love me not"...and ending with I love me, I love me not.....I LOVE ME!

Most of the kids thought I truly had a flower growing out of my head but two little girls came up to me and asked me to show them how I "grew" the flower which they declared to be a "fake". 

My friend, Chuck then read his book, "There's a Wocket in my Pocket".  The kids were very familiar with that rhyming book and were able to recite it along with Chuck as he read.  I was so impressed with the abilities of the kids (8 yr olds, some from other countries) to observe things in the pictures that I did not notice and they actively pointed out to both Chuck and myself.  They were very polite and considerate to us.

It was a wonderful experience but now, I am so exhausted, I believe I could fall asleep.....but I know better.  I will lie down and get comfy.....and be wide awake, just like every other night.  I need to get my days and nights remedied prior to returning to work or there will be a relapse and I cannot financially or emotionally afford that!  (I just found out today that VERY soon, within the next couple weeks, I must "come up with approximately $1500 in order to maintain my insurance for catastrophic illnesses as well as my health insurance, until I am back at work for 1 month.  Manna from heaven???)

If you are interested in viewing the rest of the pictures from today's adventure, please go to my Facebook photo albums and enjoy them (as well as any others).  Exhausted, yes... but what a dichotomy...I am also exhilarated!  I got to be with kids again after a 4 month journey into cancer and surgeries..... and now, getting ready to revive my life by the curiosity and humor of children (yet I continue my count down to retirement.  I must work 99 days this yr so that I will only have 2 yrs left to be with my love!)  Life is not always easy; it is not always happy, but it is definitely an adventure and learning experience.  i love it.   They love me; they love me not; THEY LOVE ME!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok...so......

I am trying to download pictures onto Typepad to show the hat, bow tie, and daisy I made and prepared for reading at my school tomorrow for Dr. Seuss' birthday. I will be reading Daisy-Head Maizie, about a girl who grows a daisy right on top of her head, and how she gets rid of it. I made a Cat in the Hat hat and bow tie (and rigged it to stay put on my head by tying it under my chin, tucking the ties behind my ears and shoving the hat forward...Tricky, but it should work. Beneath the hat, I will have an artificial daisy attached to my hair.

My plan is to enter the classroom with bow tie and hat in place, but as I read, stopping just after the daisy grows out of her head, asking the kids if it is ok to remove the hat because it is "bothering me". Then they will see the daisy on top of my head. I want the kids to giggle when they see that I too have a daisy "growing" out of my head.

But alas and alack, I cannot get Typepad to download my pictures, though it will change my profile picture so I know it accepts my format. I am a Typepad Idiot. I guess I need to pull out the Typepad for Idiot's Bible and read up on why it will not display my pictures. I am very sorry you cannot see them, however, they are posted on Facebook...so if you head over there, you should see them and be able to see my creativity (or lack thereof) for creating costumes.

I really hope the kids will enjoy themselves. I know I am going to enjoy myself. Tomorrow will be the first time I will be "teaching" kids since before my cancer surgery, so this is a trial run for me. I am a little nervous that I might not "hit the target" I am aiming for, but I intend to enjoy myself, nonetheless. I am anxious to return to school. I have been out since Oct. 24 and hope to return March 26. I am nervous, but I know I do this every school year. For 28 yrs, I have begun each year wondering if I am a good teacher or if "they" (the powers that be) will see that for the most part, I love and nurture my kids and wing the rest. I do love reading and instilling a love for reading into the hearts of my children.....but what "they" want us to do now is not how I teach. For this reason, I look forward to retirement.

I did find out today that I must have worked 99 days this yr for this year to count toward my teaching career, otherwise, I will have 3 more years to go.... and I do not want to continue teaching when all I am supposed to do is to teach the kids to take specific tests and score specific scores. I know tests are important, however, when teaching to the test becomes teaching, education ceases to exist. I love my kids so much and I want them to succeed in life doing the things that make them happy and prosperous (or as prosperous as they can be in this economy).

I'm sure tomorrow I will have more to share about my day with a 2nd grade class full of 8 yr old hyperactive kids....and their hyperactive teacher. Perhaps by then I will have figured out the nuances of Typepad blogging and photo sharing. God help us all!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Last night I could not sleep. I was awake until after 4 a.m.....and tonight, looks like a repeat preformance. I did not sleep during the day but right after dinner, I fell sound asleep watching tv.....not good because now it is almost 1 a.m. and I am wide awake.

It as a joyous day, however, because at 8:15 in the morning, I got a phone call from Mesut telling me to go onto MSN and we were able to spend about 45 min on cam before he lost connection. He informed me that words are hollow, but he sees my face, my eyes, my smile and he sees my heart and knows my love for him. I feel the same way. He is so wonderful. The waiting to be with him is unbearable at times but so worth it to get a quick phone call, text or Thank you God, a session online where I can see those beautiful blue eyes and his warm loving smile. Our love spans 6.5 yrs with only seeing him in person twice, totalling 20 days, but with the passage of time, God has blessed us with a love so strong it is unbelievable. I sometimes doubt when I do not hear from him because he cannot get a connection or runs out of cell minutes, but I know his love is true, and I know mine is holy and faithful for God and for him. Thank you God for a beautiful love. I am truly a blessed woman. This man, one I never expected to love, is my life, my heart, and my support. I know for this love to keep growing over 6 yrs with limited time together, it is from God and HE will keep it growing stronger and in His timing, Mesut and I will be together. God help that day be soon. We need a miracle from God himself!!!! Thank you God for this beautiful man and the love he holds in his heart for me.