I have been going over and over in my brain, the pros and cons of long distance relationships. I have been in one, deeply entrenched in one, for almost 7 years. During that time there have been so many lovely times spent online, speaking on the phone, texting, and occasionally, visiting for 10 days at a t
Sometimes I believe it is easier for men to be in these relationships than it is for the women. Men do not think like women do. They do not need the comforting, companionship, and constant reminders of their love from the women. It is easier for them to NOT think constantly because they are working, eating, and then sleeping in order to go back to sometimes grueling jobs.
Mesut and I met online almost 7 yrs ago in August. I had, for 3 months, refused to speak to him because it had been my experience that every man online only wanted sex or his own pleasures. So when I was approached in June, I told my sister, Judy, the time had come, I was respecting myself, and I was NOT giving in to the wiles of another "lonely man" whose "wife won't be a wife to me". I knew the stories by heart. I longed to be loved and had settled, over the years, for any show of attention and "love" that was shown to me. Don't get me wrong, I did make many wonderful lasting friendships as well, but even those male friends gave it the "old college try" to get me to have cam sex or phone sex or some king of fantasy email sex.
I had gone to visit my sister in Pennsylvania, and while I was away, Mesut tried again to get me to write to him. He kept saying that he saw this "beautiful woman with a big smile and pink shirt" and he wanted to meet me because her knew I had a big heart. I still refused to answer his emails. However, when I returned home in August and back to my job as a teacher, August 15, Mesut tried again. I was not going to answer but a small voice in my head told me to talk to him. If he was like all the others, all I had to do was delete him from my computer.
I took a chance. When he contacted me the 4th time, I answered him. When his cam came on I was shocked. There sat the most handsome man I had ever seen. Black hair, tall, blue eyes and a smile that could melt the coldest heart. We talked for a long time, exchanging pleasantries and our "history". At first he was not forthcoming, stating he was Christian, Greek, and his name was Nikko. It didn't matter who he was, because he was a nice man. We listened to music and laughed and had a good time for several hours. He said, if it was ok, he would return the next day and we could learn more about each other. I agreed.
I rushed home from work the next day awaiting the presence of my new friend. He did not show up. The next night was the same, and three nights later it was the same. I told my friend that I was right in my thoughts. He came online, learned I would not have cam sex and was gone. But on the 4th night, there he was. His face was darkened; deep circles enveloped his eyes. He looked terrible. He said he had food poisoning and ended up in the hospital for a few days. He apologized for not letting me know but he did not have his computer in the hospital and we had not exchanged phone numbers.
He went to bed early that night because he truly looked like death. The next night he was back and looked much better, but he had a look of sorrow on his face. He said he had to tell me something and he did not want to tell me for fear I would leave. He had lied to me. He said his name was not Nikko; he was not Greek; and he was Muslim. He said I would never have spoken to him if I had known he was Turkish and Muslim. I asked why not. He said that since 9-11 everyone in America hated all Muslims and he just wanted to meet me because I had such a beautiful smile. I told him I didn't care where he was from or what he believed, but I did want honesty. He wept that I would forgive him. He wanted a good friend he could share with.....so did I. So we continued to meet for several months.
Before long, his job laying pipelines for water and gas, had taken him to a "secret place" where he had to work with the army. He hated the army but this was his job. He was not allowed to use internet or cell phone because of the danger of the mission and where he was. He was gone 7 months. During that time, I wondered if this was his way of saying good bye to me but whenever I doubted, I would get a message from his friend, in Turkish, which I had to translate, telling me Mesut was doing his job; he missed me; and please do not leaving his hands. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I was going nowhere. 7 long months went by before I received a package in the mail that a US air force pilot mailed for him. In it were gifts and 6 letters he had written during this time. I knew I was falling in love with this man and I knew I never wanted to be without him in my life, even if just as friends. Mesut was telling of his love for me and how much he wanted to be with me.
Since I had met Mesut, I had dropped all the other men I had ever spoken to online. I did not need their lies and false promises. I only wanted this man. This man who was practically 1/2 my age, over 10,000 miles away, spoke a different language, had a different culture/traditions (which he said were very hard traditions), and a different religion. None of that mattered. I knew I loved this man.
he wanted to know all about my past... not so he could condemn me but so he could know what my life had been like and he did not want secrets. There was one thing that was in my past that I was humiliated by and I did not tell him. He did find out about it and it became and issue which we had to straighten out. We talked it out, through tears and pain, but the love remains. Trust is the key! Without trust there cannot be love. It is NOT easy to do when you do not see that person but it can be done.
He finally returned to his home and told me he quit his job because he did not want to be at the will and whim of the army and his work place to send him all over Turkey to do his work. That meant he had no income; no prospect of a job; and no home. He came online and asked me to come to him. After more than a year of trusting this man, we needed to meet. We had some problems to overcome and they needed to be hit "head on" in person. Typing online, texting, etc, just didn't add to understanding, especially with different languages and understandings of what certain words meant. I went to my principal and told him I needed to take personal days to fly to Turkey and see if this was truly going to work. He told me to do what I had to do.
Don't get me wrong. It was not easy. My housemate kicked me out; my friends told me I could be raped, kidnapped, murdered, blown up by bombs. I told them I had already been raped by someone who was supposed to be a friend when I was 16 and I was tired of living in fear. I had other friends who were willing to loan me money to get to Turkey. I would borrow money against my TSA when I got home and pay them all back. Mesut could not believe I was coming there.
I flew into Chicago and then on to Istanbul. Everyone I met were kind to me. None of them looked like they hated me because I was American. They tried speaking to me in Turkish. My seatmate slept the entire flight but when we landed in Istanbul, he took me under his wing, buying me a coke and watching out for me until his flight had to leave. He directed me to where I needed to go and off I went to Ankara. It was the last night of Ramadan when I got there, so when I landed, everyone was anxiously awaiting the Ramadan feast to be had to celebrate the end of fasting. I had no idea where I was going when I got there but before long a short handsome man came running to me yelling, My sister, My sister. It was Mesut's friend Yasar who had been our "go between" during that 7 month span of not knowing what was happening. He kissed both my cheeks and through sign language, I showed him my luggage. Civilians are not allowed in the airports. They must wait outside. Only army personnel are allowed in... Yasar was working with the army. I asked where Mesut was and Yasar pointed outside.
I saw this tall man, with dark hair, very skinny standing behind a pillar. He walked out with a huge smile, repeating Merhaba, Merhaba askim. He held out his arms and I walked into them, with no fear or apprehension. He handed me 3 long stem red roses. We drove, Yasar as our driver, trying to find a restaurant with any empty seats. We finally found a place in a mall where we could eat. I was exhausted and had no idea what I was eating but it was spicy yet filling. Finally, Yasar drove us to a train station where he left us to go to his family. He and his wife had just had twins and he was anxious to get home. Mesut drove then to the small village of Golbosi where we found a hotel overlooking a lake with tall trees. I called home to let everyone know I was alive and well. Mesut said the first words I told my sister were "he's so tall!"..... and he was. He is 6'3" and I am 5'3" He weighed no more than a stick whereas I was double his girth. He just kept smiling and smiling. The first real kiss was magical, standing in front of the window overlooking this beautiful lake.
When I awoke the next morning I just gazed out the window taking in the view and pincing myself that I was indeed in Turkey. Since my earliest recollections, I had wanted to go to Turkey to travel the roads Jesus and Paul/Saul and other disciples walked. We were then on our way to Cappadocia to roam the ruins where Jews and Christians hid thousands of years ago from Roman persecution. we hiked, ran, and jumped from place to place. We spent several days there before heading to Abant, honeymoon haven for newlyweds. he said someday I bring you here and we stay. Beautiful lakes, mountains, green trees abounded. I never wanted to leave.
Then we traveled to Istanbul. What an amazing city. I fell in love with it (and my tour guide). We explored the Blue Mosque and Haggia Sofia as well as the Byzantine Cisterns. We ate Turkish Delight, baklava and drank tea. We "shared a plate" in a sidewalk cafe owned by a nice man named Ali and his brother in law. He played a guitar like instrument for me and welcomed me to return when I came back to Istanbul. On our last day there we were to go to the Grand Bazaar, however because it was "holiday" for Ramadan, it was closed. Instead we went out on a boat onto the Bosphorus Sea and Golden Horn. It was very fishy smelling and Mesut was sea sick. I kept him laughing to help him NOT to get sick.
Ten days in Turkey were too short. I never wanted to leave. When we arrived at the airport, he told me I was not to cry (too late). I gave my passport and boarding information to the man and he said, Ma'am, you are a day early. I still had a day left and I ran and jumped into Mesut's arms (my home). We drove through Istanbul, went back to Ali's cafe and that evening it rained. We ran through the streets of old Istanbul, singing and holding hands in the rain.
the trip home was not something I wanted to face because I would have to move all my things out of my home of 10 yrs. I loved my housemate but she thought I was stupid and could not tolerate my stupidity of running off to a place where Americans were hated to be with a man I did not know. Perhaps it was stupid, but it was necessary. If i was going to die, it would be wherever I was...US, in the air, in Turkey, or walking in our driveway. I did find an apt I could barely afford and not in a safe neighborhood. I would come home from work, head straight into the apt and lock the door. I had the freedom to be online whenever I wished; do whatever I wished; eat when ever I wished, without the scrutiny of my housemate.
A year and a few months passed before I planned a second trip to visit Mesut. I was beside myself but before I could go, my housemate asked me to move back in with her. I told her I was going to Turkey at Christmas and Mesut was deeper in my life than every before. We had said vows to one another in the mosque and in a Christian church. In our minds, if not legally, we were married before God. She said she understood but she was having trouble with the mortgage and she knew it was hard for me making the rent each month...so once more time, my two brothers helped me move back into the house. Christmas vacation came and I went, flying into Istanbul on Christmas Eve. I had packed gifts for Christmas and a small Christmas tree. He had gifts also awaiting me. I met another of his friends, who has since passed away from Kidney failure.
This time, we spent time first at his apt in Luleburgaz and then we went into Istanbul to visit Ali and his brother in law. He remembered us and called me his sister. I felt very much at home there. From there we went to Abant. It was snowing and so beautiful with the trees, lake and mountains covered in a 4 day snow. We stayed at a 5 star hotel which was beautiful. It served breakfast and dinner buffets and the rooms were gorgeous. During the day we played in the snow; went on a sleigh ride (freezing our butts off) 8 miles around the lake. Mesut could tell I was melancholy because our time was drawing near where I would have to leave. He said do you see that lake? It is very big lake. Behind it even bigger mountains, correct? I said yes. He said, if you stand on this side of mountains you see the lake. If you stand on other side of mountains, you do not see it, but did the lake leave? No. It is there all the time. That is how my love for you is. Even if we are not together yet, and there are continents between us, the love remains. God gave us a big love. God is a big God. He gave us this love and causes it to keep growing. Trust me, I will never leave your hands. I came into your life to make you happy, not to bring you sadness.
We spent New Year's Eve and Day in Istanbul. We ate baklava; watched a Whirling Dervish dance;and then waited in the courtyard between the Blue Mosque and Haggia Sofia to watch the fireworks and listen to the horns from the ships in the Bosporus. I was sad. I had one day left. We spent that day at the Grand Bazaar. I love bartering with merchants and buying souveneirs to take to my kids and housemate. But I dreaded the time when I knew I would have to kiss Mesut good bye and trust that we would be together again.
It has been 3 1/2 yrs since that holiday season of love and vows. Our love continues to get stronger. It is difficult because he has "hard traditions" there which he hates; his family does not like me because I am not Turkish; I am Christian; and though he and his "ex wife" have divorce papers drawn up, he is being blackmailed to remain with her until their son is grown up. He will be 14 in Sept. It is difficult communicating because where he lives now, he does not have internet connection very often. Text messages get tangled up and misunderstood; emails are few and far between. There have been health problems: I had breast cancer this year; his ex's grandmother died; he broke his leg; and now his mother has had a heart attack. But one thing remains constant. We try to talk, if only 5 min or a text a day. We love each other and the love is stronger every day. We pray together for God's goodness to bring us together forever.
Trusting is hard. When something happens and we do not hear from each other, the devil uses those times to try to instill doubt into our hearts. Thankfully, I have family and friends praying for us; encouraging me to trust him and his love for me. He could have left me at anytime, never calling, texting or coming online but he does. I could have told him, I am too old for you; I am not well. You need someone younger, prettier, healthier....and he says to me, I want YOU. I love YOU. God blessed us both with each other. I believe him. He ends all our conversations with: "First your trust God, then you trust me"; you never forget, this man loves your very much. I will never leave your hands.
AND my friends hear and abroad tell me, when trusting gets hard (especially after 5 months of sitting around healing and unable to do much of anything else but think), they will kick my "ass" if I don't start believing the words of this man who obviously loves me. I love him too....but it is extremely hard to not listen to the lies of the devil. The devil seeks to kill and destry and the easiest way for him to accomplish this goal is through lack of trusting God's love and the love of my husband, Mesut.
So a word to the devil....I might waiver from time to time, but in my heart, I trust God first and I trust my husband, Mesut. AND soon enough, we will be together and face whatever joys, happiness, love, or obstacles that come our way. Keep communication open and remember our God is a Big GOD and gives HIS love to very special people who are able to believe it, trust it, and keep it growing. I pray every day that our love continues because both of us believe with all our hearts we do love because of GOD. AND I am trusting God first, then Mesut, then myself. Get thee behind me satan when he tries to convince of me of lies!!!!! AND he does!!!! He does this to Mesut and to me. Mesut said not as much as my wife (me).... she is a maniac!!!! and then he laughs..... and I am.