Poetry by Faith Barndt

Once, But Always

ONCE. BUT ALWAYS

Once I was a baby being cared for and loved,
Cherished and nourished,
A gift from above,

I grew tall, strong, and brave
Went to school, got a job
And, to my family I gave.

Spouse, siblings, extended family,
My life was complete.
I lived joyfully.

Now, children grown with kids of their own,
my life quickly passing away,
I was not prepared - the unknown.

Unknown- how I asked,
Could I forget my family,
my friends, my past?

I wanted the recesses of blackness
My family, those memories
Lost in dark abyss.

Seeking to find something known to my mind,
I falter, I fall,
It seems so unkind.

Alone in my room, known surroundings,
I quietly try to fit pieces together,
But strange words escape me all unfamiliar sounding.

My family's forgotten the strength I once had
I'm doing strange little things
Which causes them to say I am bad.

What do they mean?  Was I not a caregiver?
Did I not nurture and care
With love broad as a river?

Once, I was strong, respected, and known
But disease has ravished
And I am unknown.

Once they visited, cradled and cooed me,
Now they don't come
My behavior's unseemly.

But, once I was learn-ed
Once I was tall
Once respected
If one could recall.

Please try real hard
to remember our life.
For once I had vigor,
friends, kids, and a wife.

Once, I was young
Now I am old
But always, I'll love you
More than is told.

Always, I am somebody's child,
young, carefree, and wild.
Always, I'm your parent,
Who cares when words aren't apparent.

So please don't forget me.
My love will not waiver
For always, forever,
My child you'll be.
For always, forever
Your parent, I'll be.

   @ Faith Barndt

Life..... And So It Goes

Raising Father

I knew the day would surely come
but I didn't think it would be this soon.
You're taking care of everyone else,
but not doing what's right for you.
Making promises you can't keep;
Making exchanges with others
for money not yours.
What am I to do?
You're still so headstrong and independent,
yet, follies are following where you go.
When do I take full command?
When do I allow you free choice?
You're still young, only 75, but
I am graying over the escapades and omissions of truth.
I love you, Dad!
I want you to be free!
But how do I know when you need my help?
How do I know?

This poem was written 12 yrs ago.  My father will be 87 in July.  So many things have transpired since I wrote this poem.

I have gone through cancer and survived.  We have gone through 3 horribly destructive hurricanes one right after the other. I have traveled to Turkey twice in that time span and anticipate another trip in the future.

As for my dad... He is very energetic, still mowing lawns for the people in the mobile home park where he lives; still coming to the house on weekends for dinner and to watch football, and give Barbara a hard time about her teams.  He is still living on his own, microwaving meals I have prepared for him and cooking a few of his own.

We have given him the options of moving in with us (though we keep the house very cool and we have a cat, and he hates cats).  My brother in Tennessee has asked him to move there but it is much too cold for him and my sister has asked him to move with her but they live too far out in the boonies, and it does get cool up there.  He enjoys where he lives; his neighbors; watching out the windows to see who is pulling into a parking space where they are not allowed; and mowing his lawns.

But during the past 12-13 yrs, I have watched my daddy slowing down; getting weaker; more ornery; his temperment is changing; his quiet, slow to anger personality is also changing.

In the past years, he has had to have a defibrillator inserted into his chest because his pulse drops too low.  He has more and more doctors' appointments.  His knees hurt him so much that now he gets regular shots of cortisone every few months. Recently he needed to have his defibrillator repaired since it kept sounding an alarm and scaring dad 1/2 to death.

But the few events which have really "slowed him down" and lowered his morale are the fact that he has macular degeneration in both eyes.  He has had cataracts removed but it did not improve his sight.  He went to renew his drivers' license and was told he needed a letter from his opthamologist stating he could see good enough to drive....He could not identify the largest letter on the chart!!  So, much to his chagrine but by HIS choice, he gave up driving in July. He sold his truck (which he loved) to my brother.  He now must either have me taxi him around or call for the county transportation bus to take him to his doctors' visits.  Tomorrow we go to a retinal doctor to see if injections into his eyes will increase his sight.  The doctor does not think it will help, but "it is worth the try".

Because he is now "legally blind" and can no longer drive, he feels he is becoming a burden. On the weekends he either gets the bus to our home or we pick him up and bring him here and then after dinner transport him back home.

He is walking now with a cane because of his knees plus his diabetic neuropathy in his feet and lower legs.  He has pain in his feet or numbness at all times. 

Dad's attitude, which I can understand, has gone from mild mannered and joking to crankiness, anger, and feeling helpless.  He has begun cleaning out his belongings "so you kids don't have much to go through when I am gone".  Hearing him talk like this and seeing the man I had never seen angry until now, is breaking my heart.

I told my mother, almost 20 yrs ago, when she was dying of cancer, I would take care of daddy.  I would make sure he had food and that he was not forgotten.  I have fulfilled my promise to her.  We have many family gatherings, he is with Barbara and I every weekend, we go to dinner or I cook and we take him home different ways so he can "see" how our county is growing and changing.

I am now the Power of Attorney for him.  I tell the doctors, when he is unable to speak, which direction they should proceed.  I am making out all his checks and paying all his bils.,  This infuriates him because it was something he enjoyed doing himself.  He has a "scooter" which he rides on the sidewalks to go to the grocery store, but with his eyesight (shadows only), I am not sure how long he will be able to proceed.

My father was a strong, work-aholic truck driver.  From the time he was 10, he was driving trucks with his dad in Pennsylvania.  He helped my pappy with a moving and hauling business until it succumbed to the economy.  He worked for Wheaton Van Lines for many years, moving families back and forth across the country.  He loved his workl

When we moved to Florida, my mom gave him an ultimatum.....he had to give up being gone all the time or "else".  He took a job in a warehouse (where he could still see the trucks).  He crated items for storage and for moves; he went into mansions and packed up people from Palm Beach so they could be moved to another mansion in another part of the USA.  He worked this job until one day while on a forklift, he fell 14 feet onto his back.  He was purple from top to bottom, in the hospital for a week and forced into retirement.

From that point on, he was the "mower man" for the mobile home park.  He mowed for those who could pay him $8 a mow, but he also mowed for those who could not pay at all.

I watched my dad age significantly after 2 major life altering events:  the death of his wife of 43 yrs in 1995 and then in 2001, the suicide of my 19 yr old nephew.  It broke my heart to see him "begin" to die those days.

Since then, he mows some, but in the evenings if there are no games on, he listens to Gospel music, singing along; he reads his Bible through each year (but now has audio tapes of the Bible since he cannot read) and he prays for all his family members every night.

Holidays seem to get harder for him, perhaps because financially, he is limited or perhaps because he knows each holiday could be his last one.

It breaks my heart to watch such a vibrant man slowing down and seemingly, giving up as if preparing himself for death.  For 20 yrs I have taken care of this man, in his home, in my home, in the hospital; I have bought him groceries, cooked for him and taxi'd him to appointments.  I have enjoyed him; laughed with him (and at him sometimes); and I have been frustrated as hell with him (or maybe with the fact that he is changing so much).  I realize I am not the only one who goes through these things, but HE is the only earthly father I have.... and I love him very much.

My Heart

MY HEART

My heart is so full

admiration, adoration,

wonder, love.

Pure, holy, unadulterated

LOVE.

When I am not

with you, or not hearing

from you,

My heart fills with

loneliness (not distrust),

achiness (not questioning),

emptiness (not forgetting).

Longing for your

closeness, your voice,

your arms, your love,

those beautiful eyes,

smiling from heart to

lips to eyes.

My love!

My life!

My hopes!

My dreams!

My heart!

Missing you!

Wanting you!

Needing you!

Trusting you!

LOVING YOU!!!

OUR TIME

OUR TIME

I talked to my love today

and when I was finished

I was loving him so much

and yet, I was very concerned.

 

He was down

He was depressed

He is angry we are apart

He is lonely (so am I)

 

We can be in a crowd

and miss each other

We can be with family

But we are each other's family

 

It is so hard to be apart

To love so much

To be given this great love

but also given the burden of years apart

 

Beginning seven years

Family issues

Work issues

Connection issues

  

Twenty days together and alone

laughing, loving, longing for

the day when we are together

all the time

 

God you gave us this love

You also gave us the burden of time

Waiting

Trusting

Loving

 

Feeling great joy and happiness

and feeling the depth of loneliness

Longing to be together

remembering the times together

 

Our love is great

Our love is from God

HIS timing is our timing

but I don't understand
 

Why is it taking so long?
 

Be strong, my love

Be strong, my heart

Keep trusting

Keep believing

Keep loving.

 

Our time is soon.

I feel it.

I believe it

Don't let go of this love!

MISSING YOU

I MISS YOU

I miss your smiles

I miss your blue eyes

I miss your sweet voice

I miss your loving words

I miss your gentle touches

I miss you intimate kisses

I miss listening to music with you

I miss dancing with you

I miss singing with you

I miss running and jumping with you in the rain

I miss sharing a plate with you

I miss watching you sleep

I miss praying and worshipping with you

I MISS YOU and everything about you!

God, bring us together again soon, and forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHEN I HEAR HIS VOICE

I smile when I hear his name

I smile when I see his beautiful eyes

I smile when I see the look of love he gives me.

 

I laugh when he tells me stories

I laugh when he makes faces at me

I laugh when he winks at me

 

I am excited when I hear his voice

His rich, loving and kind words

I am excited when I receive messages

Messages of his love for all eternity

I am excited to hear him tell me I am

beautiful.

 

When I do not hear from him for a day

or two

I am empty, lonely, incomplete

He makes my life come together.

 

When I am sad, upset, sick

He reminds me to trust God

Then trust him

He reminds me that one day

we will be together

for all eternity.

 

There is hope; there is strength;

There is love in his words

There is love in his actions,

Directing me to the Author of our love.

 

When I hear his voice,

rich, kind, loving,

he is showing God's love to me

and I find peace in knowing

this love is from God an

in God's time; in God's way

Our love is destined to be strong

and everlasting

 

When I hear his voice

I find meaning!

I find hope!

I find God's love.

 

@ Faith Barndt

Feb 2012

 

TRUST

TRUST

God gave a great love

to two unlikely people

He has held them together

over 2 continents

many separations

and no communications for spans of time.

He has brought them through

distance, lack of funds,

illness, and uncertainties

And yet, He caused their love to

grow stronger with every passing day.

Vows were said before His throne;

promises made for faithfulness, holiness,

purity

Visits were short, but oh so

beautiful, and full of life and love,

hope for a future.

God never said it would be easy;

God never said it would be fast;

God never said there would be no doubts;

He never said there would be no problems

or misunderstandings

BUT

God gave a beautiful love

and when He gives His greastest gift,

it is to be enjoyed, savored, cared for,

and tended as a sweet smelling rose,

for He is the Rose of Sharon.

The love given spans many miles,

many oceans, and mountains,

but God said Do not be afraid,

Do not be dismayed;

Do not give up or turn back

Be courageous; Believe, Trust in ME,

I am the GREAT I AM.

I am the GREAT teacher.

I am the GREAT physician

I am the Great provider.

He said, I give this love to you,

Share it with your neighbors,

Wives love and obey your husbands,

Husbands love and honor your wives.

He said, TRUST ME!

Do not trust circumstances or men who

do not believe

God said, I will never leave you

I will never forsake you

Believe in my plan for your life.

I have a plan for your life

To give you a future and a hope

not to harm you but to prosper you

TRUST

It might take awhile;

BELIEVE

God is not a liar

and

when He give a love this big

He will keep it alive and nurture it,

even when there are mountains, lakes, and miles

Trust

Believe

Love

He is God and God will keep HIS promises

to you

to me

to us

I love you!

@Faith Barndt 2/29/12

Angels Sang

A life full of hope

wonder and joy

Beginning a new life

as husband and wife

And the Angels Sang!

Hope upon hope

new life to gie

but not blessed

with a child.

Cruel disease dashed every hope

Cruel scalpels

Cruel treatments

Cruel, unfeeling, unthinking people.

And the Angels Wept!

But,

you see yourself with a future

one with a child.

You work hard to rid

yourself of cruel disease.

And the Angels Sang!

Cells being killed,

medications,

radiation,

Annihilation

- brain cancer

And the Angels Wept!

Excision

Removal

Positive thoughts;

prayers were answered!

And the Angels Sang!

Wellness,

a long time coming,

and finally,

thankfully,

Remission!

And the Angels Sang!

Wonderful husband

healthy wife

Positive doctors 

- begin a new "life"

Jacob

And the Angels Sang!

My "sister", my friend

came into my life

full of love and vitality

allowing me into 

your life, and the new "life"

And the Angels Sang!

Seizures!

Not again!

Baby in your arms!

Cancer returns!

More chemo

More seizures

More sickness and disease

How did you endure?

And the Angels Wept!

Brave!

Courageous!

Positive!

Husband and wife

For now they have

a precious new life.

And the Angels Sang!

Not again!

How much you

must bear!

Loving, hoping, trying

to remain "on top"

Both husband and wife

And the Angels Wept!

Fight against fight

Disease seems to win

But you never retreat!

you never doubt.

And the Angels Wept!

Time has come

for sad farewells

but

knowing we will one day

be together with

God.

And the Angels Sang!

The Angels Sang

Anne

Anne

New Year's and I am asking why
Why my friend with a new son has
to die cancer killing her zest
for life, her emotions, and rational thought.
Making plans to die:
to "be with" her son on the milestones
of his life. Writing him letters to
let him know she is with him
no matter what, where or when!
Knowing how difficult the remaining
days will be for her; for her
family; her friends; me! I love her.
I will miss her, but even more,
I will remember her spirit;
her zeal; her courage; her love
of life! Thank you, Anne, for
teaching me to love life;
to be courageous. I love you.

@ Faith Barndt

*Anne passed away in April of this same year of a cancerous brain tumor. She was 5 yrs cancer free from it when she became pregnant. The hormones fed the cancer cells and within days of giving birth, the cancer had returned. She lived to see Jacob reach his 2nd birthday and passed away on her husband's birthday. I think of her daily and of her great courage. I miss her terribly.

My Friend

My Friend

lives so far away

different lives

different beliefs,

same God.

Always happy

always smiling

always trying to

keep me happy

My Friend.

Clothing different

Culture diverse

Language unknown to me

but

hearts beat as one.

So thankful

so blessed

so filled with joy

to know my

beloved friend.

Wishing to meet

wishing to hug

wishing to hold

and to love

Wishing

Diverse lives,

smiling and happy,

giggling and laughing

joyful, blessed

THANKFUL

I love you,

my dear Friend

from around our

world!

Thank you, God!