This is my second go round trying to type this blog. It happens to me almost every time I blog. I get to a point and all of a sudden the page changes and presto chango...all my blog is gone. So bear with me and my displeasure right now about this blog
AS I POSTED just 15 min ago (and lost), this is my first blog since my 2nd surgery in 2 months. I had reconstructive surgery on my implant reconstruction due to breast cancer. At the time I went into the hospital, I had 2 implanted breasts which, if not corrected would have had me joining the Ringling Brothers/Barnum and Bailey Circus Freak Show (and probably making more money than teaching). I had one breast up under my collar bone which was rock hard due to scar tissue forming around it. The other one was a rolling hard boiled egg that moved around whenever I stretched, reached or did anything requiring the use of my right arm, and it had moved to just next to my arm pit. For those of you who wear the binding known as a bra....it was difficult to find one that fit a breast one your shoulder and one under your arm.
I was not fearful of the surgery, however I was fearful of the recovery process since previously, I did not do well. I had a huge infection in my chest with both breasts wrapped in gauze; having to see the dr 1-2 times a week and begging the insurance company to pay for the therapy which would have help to soften the silicone implants. It took forever to heal, along with 4 different antibiotics. Finally when it healed, it was time to do the reconstruction of the reconstruction. The first time I had surgery, the anesthesiologist came into my room (I was drugged and do not remember but my family reminds me frequently of it) and looked at my throat and announced loudly to my family, OH good, she has a big mouth! Fodder for the vultures of my family, who still laugh about it. This time, however, this huge black man (I'm sure he was a linebacker for American football) and I am equally sure, he "spiked" the intubation tube into my throat. My dr. told me the next day, "he had trouble getting the tube into my throat". I knew that as evidenced my laryngitis for a week, sore, scratchy throat, and a skin flap that flapped whenever I swallowed, talked, coughed or did anything requiring the use of my throat. Cepacal lozenges, to numb my throat, became and major food group. My meals consisted of try to eat at least one meal a day, drinking hot tea with honey or frozen smoothies with lots of ice chips. Finally yesterday, I realized my throat was not bothering me so much. there still feels as if there is a huge lump in my throat but at least the flapping has stopped.
Tonight I ate dinner with my roommate for a belated birthday dinner for her and it was the first day since Oct 31 that I actually ate 2 meals in one day. I have been living on protein drinks or fruit smoothies and soup or scrambled eggs. FYI: if I never see another egg for a long time, it will be too soon. It felt good eating a meal and not feeling full just looking at the food. I could feel so hungry and as soon as the food was delivered to me, the appetite quit on me. I had to force every bite off food down. On the up side, I have lost between 10-15 pounds. I am now 1/5 th of the way to my goal weight....Long way to go. This week I must begin walking to help with the metabolism dysfunction I have, as well as my inability to sleep at night from lack of activity during the day.
I still have to heal up and be sure nothing happens to cause more problems but so far so good. I was "given" 6 HIVAmat massages (by insurance...out of the goodness of their hearts) which helps keep the silicone pliant and soft. I am still having shooting pains in both side but have been told it is the nerves trying to reconnect. I do not have much feeling in my breasts and may never have much feeling. I feel pressure and I feel the pain but as far as "sensitivity" goes....so far, there is none. Itching is something I do feel, but I know that is the healing process as well. I am stuffed into a sports bra that is only allowed off to shower and the tape holding me together is not allowed to get soap, shampoo or conditioner on it or it melts off. We can't have that....don't want anything opening and dropping out. Showering is joyful for the hot water running over me and feeling clean, but washing my hair is a real treat trying to keep shampoo from running down over the incision line. I want to rip the sports bra off because it is uncomfortable sleeping in it, but it must be there so nothing slips out of place. The last time the sports bra they placed me in was so tight, it burned my skin and after the 2nd day, the dr removed it and of course, gauze bandages enveloped both from that point on, until this surgery. I am hoping to return to work by the end of March, however, after I heal there is still one more process to endure.....reconstruction of the right nipple which had to be removed because of the cancer. I understand they pull skin together and stitch it together to resemble the nipple and then they tattoo the areola around it. I believe I could use a permanent marker and color in the circle but if I have to have a tattoo, I believe i should have a choice of design. I am thinking a rose would be nice. Mesut has his own idea...but wishing don't make it so.....
When I return to school, I will be coming back between 2 huge FCAT tests. The first one, before I return is FCAT Writes. The kids are tested on how well they write a narrative, expository, or persuasive writing. There must be at least 5 paragraphs on topic with a beginning, middle, and end. The middle must have at last 3-4 supporting detail paragraphs. They are scored on those points as well as grammar, punctuation, subject-verb agreement and spelling. My kids will be taking this test, whether they enter the country that very day and do not speak the language. These essays MUST be written in English or they are scored a zero (scores range from 0-6). This test is only for the 4th grade kids and is very important for our school grade and also to the next FCAT test they will have to master in mid-April. This test consists of 5-12 days of testing covering Reading comprehension; language arts skills, math, and science (next yr Social studies will be added to the regime). All kids must take it (regardless of language or IQ barriers). Scoring here is the same, however, for our third grade kids (ages 7-9) if they do not score a 2 or higher, they must repeat third grade again next year, regardless of any and all of the work/scores/grades they earned all year long. It is totally unfair to the kids in the Special Ed programs (some of whom cannot even print their names) and my kids who speak other languages. We are told NOT to teach to the test, however, every mandatory meeting we must attend, tells us just the opposite. Now teachers are graded on how well their kids do on the tests and we now have "Merit Pay" for those teachers whose kids score well. So those teachers working in exclusive, wealthy schools, will earn the money, however, we, the ones teaching in the schools with high ESE and ELL populations and 95% poverty rate, will never receive this money. Thank God I only have 2 yrs until I retire. I love teaching, but this is no longer teaching. Our parents of the kids are illiterate in their own language so there is no help at home and though the kids have tutoring every afternoon after school and on Saturday mornings, if the parents cannot provide transportation, their kids cannot attend. Thank you, Mr. Bush for "No Child Left Behind", a program his mother instituted. It states that by 2014 ALL children, no matter of language or disability will all be reading on grade level. Yeah Right. I love it when politicians who have not been in a classroom since their own schooling and have never taught, make laws which are unattainable for most children in the state of FL where the poverty level is high and most of the kids are immigrants (usually illegal). I have 2 yrs until retirement and cannot wait.
Anyway, that is where I am right now...and where my mind is tonight. It is now 2:00 a.m. and I am wide awake. My mind goes crazy when I am home alone all day, don't feel good enough to get out and walk and no one around to go with me walking or to the movies, etc because they are all working. The devil works overtime trying to discourage me and "throw in the towel". He tells me lies about being replaced at work because of my leave of absence (had a dream I showed up at work wearing just this support bra....and got fired) and then the devil fills my head with lies about Mesut's love and that he stops loving me because I do not have the money to go visit him this summer, and now I may not have sensitivity in my chest....and I am getting older, graying, etc. Then I have a friend remind me of Mesut's abiding love over the past 6.5 years and how he ends every question with "please you never forget, this man loves you so much. I will never leave your hands or this big love". Thank you, Anastasia, for the kick in my royal pattootee today. I needed a good swift kick. All I need is to see his sweet blue eyes, and that big smile, and hear him say when he sees me, There she is and she is so beautiful. God gave us this love 6.5 yrs ago...and though we have only had 20 days together in Turkey, the love continues to grow stronger every day.
My prayer is to be able to get back to my babies at school and to be able to see Mesut online or hear his voice on the phone or receive a text message.....or even better, receive a miracle and be able to visit with him, even for a short time. We need that time togtether. It is so hard being on 2 different continents and loving so strongly and not being able to touch or kiss or whisper to each other of our love. God brought us together; He keeps the love strong (even when the devil yells in both our ears from time to time)...and He will keep us together. This I believe...sometimes stronger than others, but I know my heart, and I know his heart.
So....another epistle written.....forgive the length, but to keep the chronicles going......I write. Thanks for reading, commenting, encouraging, and kicking me in the butt when needed. I love you all. thank You for prayers and encouragement. Without my family and friends, I believe I would have given up in November. Until the next episode. Good night!
me