Twelve years ago today, Sept. 21, 2001, changed my world forever. It changed my life and the lives of many of my relatives. Today, 12 yrs ago at 3:30 pm, I received a phone call from my brother in law to say my 19 yr old nephew, Zak, "is gone". "Is gone"..... what did that mean? Did he run away? Did he leave the state? It never crossed my mind that "is gone" meant he was permanently and forever gone from our lives.
"Is gone" did not sink into my soul for a few minutes until my brother in law asked me to come to their small town to identify his body. He did not think he could do it. I didn't think I could either, but I would do what I could, however, nothing could get done until the next day, since I lived 5-6 driving hours away. I called my brothers to tell them and then my one brother and I drove to inform my father. I watched him slump into his chair and dissolve into tears. WHY??? He asked. How???? Was it a car accident? We had to tell him that Zak had chosen to end his own life so he would not have to go to jail for stealing from neighbors in order to support his drug and alcohol habits. Thank God for my brother being there with me. I could not have done it otherwise.
The next morning we drove to the small town in N. FL. I found my sister curled up in fetal position in her rocking chair saying over and over "I just want Zak to come home". My brother in law and my niece's husband had gone to identify the body, thank God, so I did not have to do it. Zak's sisters, brother in law, and I planned a nice memorial service to be held at a local church on Monday. They made many trips into town to get what would be needed, including a wooden box in which Zak's ashes would remain.
The memorial service was lovely. My nephew in law was a tremendous support to us all. He led the memorial which had quiet peaceful music, Bible readings, and thoughts and memories of Zak by his family and friends. After our memorial, his parents decided Zak needed to have a different kind of memorial with his "friends" who helped him in his addictions, which infuriated many of us. The church was donated, out of the goodness of the congregation (where my younger niece attended) and this was a defamation to their generosity...not only, confirming to all of us just why Zak had died.
I am angry! Angry that Zak was never taught responsibility for his own actions. Angry that his parents thought it was funny when they found drug paraphernalia in Zak's room, as they remininced their own years of drugging. I am angry that Zak took from us all his life.... and with his life, a little of all of us died that day. My dad aged 20 yrs in front of my eyes. The innocence of his sisters died that day. The man he would have, could have been died as well as his future generations, family, children, heritage.... all of it "is gone".
I miss my nephew. I love him very much. I wonder, even 12 yrs later, did I let him know how much I love him? Did he know how much I prayed for him and that regardless of his parents' atheism, I prayed he would find God's love. Did he know how much he took from all of his.... not the least of all...a young man loved by all of us.
I am angry, yes. I miss my nephew very much....but God gave me a poem the day after Zak died. I have to believe that with Zak's last breath on earth, he called out to God and took his first breath in heaven. Over time, the hurt is healing; the anger does not consume me...but the loving continues. The wondering about what he would have made of his life; what his wife and kids would have been like; what he would contribute to our family and the world.....all questions which will not be answered until I can ask God for myself.
Today, my grief is great. Today, I am missing my nephew, Zachary David Kitchens. Today, I still pray for God's peace and comfort and that his parents will find God's love and peace, and forgiveness, before it is too late for them. Today, through tears, I am grateful to have had the "orange stained lips from koolaid and Chef Boy-ar-dee's spaghettios which were daily consumed by a sweet, dark haired, big eyed little boy who captured my heart 31 yrs ago on his birth. Today, I am grateful for forgiveness in my own heart, for the love given to me by and for my family no matter how much I disagree with them and they with me.... for peace and comfort.... and new life.
Dear God, help me to see what You want for MY life. Help me not squander my days and talents given by You. Help me forgive what I consider poor judgment of others...and forgive myself for the things I do and do not do which are against Your will. Thank you for loving my family and me, with all our imperfections. Thank you for grace and mercy. AMEN
God Was There
Gone
A gun to his head
Nineteen
God was there.
Lost
Nowhere to turn?
God was there.
Family?
Friends?
God?
God was there.
Loved
Missed
Forgotten? Never!
God was there.
Cry out to God.
He is here!